Meanwhile in Florida: Woman Attacks Boyfriend With Canned Pasta, Must’ve Been Pretty Bad to Sacrifice Part of Her Hoard

Have you ever gotten so angry that you just pick up the nearest implement of destruction, no matter its primary use? One woman in Florida did, but instead of just picking it up and throwing it at the object of her scorn, she methodically formulated a plan to, quite literally, open up a can of whoop-ass.

Actually, the can was still closed. According to police reports, Shadae Miranda was arguing with her boyfriend inside of a local motel room. The conversation got heated, and the unnamed boyfriend decided to take a breather and walk outside for a few moments. Knowing this was her move, Miranda took a can of Spaghetti-O’s, placed it in a plastic bag, and followed him outside. She then struck him with the makeshift cat o’ nine tails, leaving a large laceration on his head. Police were called to the scene and while Miranda alleged that her boyfriend struck her first, though no signs of force or bruises were detected. She was arrested for aggravated assault but, most importantly, she should have been arrested for wasting a perfectly good can of Chef Boyardee! Does she not know we’re in a time of crisis? Uh oh, Spaghetti-O’s.

Cover Photo: St. Lucie County Jail

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