Meanwhile in Florida: Monkeys Have Their Own Virus to Contend With, Incidentally They Know More About It Than Mike Pence Does About Ours

Florida isn’t monkeying around when it comes to infectious diseases. While most of the country is losing its collective shit because of coronavirus, Florida is host to its own outbreak. This one has nothing to do with people, however; it’s focused solely on taking out and slut-shaming monkeys.

The Washington Post reports that a species of monkey called rhesus macaques are growing in population along Florida’s Silver River which, under normal circumstances, would be cause for celebration because who doesn’t love a monkey? Unfortunately, this species of monkey has been known to carry a form of the herpes virus, which makes them a lot less cute and cuddly, kind of like your ex who swore it was just razor burn. While Florida State Park officials are trying to figure out how to manage the macaque population, they warn tourists to keep their distance.

Though actual transmission of the disease from macaque to human has yet to happen, it could happen, which should be good enough. The CDC warns that people can get herpes B from an infected monkey via scratch, bite or contact with the monkey’s eyes, nose or mouth. Feeding a monkey might seem like a great idea and no doubt it would get you hella likes on Instagram, but you’ve spent your entire adult life having mediocre-but-safe sex with the use of protection. Do you really want to get the herps from a fucking monkey?

Speaking of monkeys, Mike Pence is now in charge of the coronavirus response in the U.S. Somehow, we think that our friends, the rhesus macaques, have a better handle on their virus than he does on ours.

Cover Photo: Jeremy Woodhouse (Getty Images)

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