The Mandatory Guide to STD Awareness Month (Using Popular TV to Demonstrate the Feeling)
Photo: moodboard (Getty Images)
April is STD awareness month, a dubious honor intended to remind us of activities related to our nether-regions and the related consequences of who we let into our bed, backseat, or public restroom stall (gross). So, what better way to understand the gravity of the big picture than to discuss icky sexual uh-ohs as they relate to popular TV sitcoms?
According to the Center for Disease Control, reports of gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia infections have increased the most among sexually transmitted diseases. The STD three amigos represent just the tip of the iceberg; if gone untreated, they can lead to diminished nervous systems, depleted immune systems, infertility, and the advanced possibility of catching/transmitting HIV and AIDS.
Because we care, we’ve put together a quick guide about STDs on the rise, as well as some general advice on how to avoid catching these little dingers on your, well, dinger.
If STDs were sitcoms, which would yours be?
HPV - 'Saved By The Bell'
Everybody knows it by now. It’s mildly ignorable and fairly easy to live with, even though it’s currently incurable, and even undetectable among men. Over time, it can lead to problems for women, kind of like when you run into a super fan who’s seen way too many episodes.
Chlamydia - 'Full House'
A very popular choice among a wide range of ages, it can be extremely painful and irritating due to badly discharged storylines and outside friction, like Kimmy Gibbler. It's fully curable, and can be easily avoided by ignoring skeezy neighbors knocking on your door at 3 a.m. or proper protection.
Gonorrhea - 'Fuller House'
Essentially the same symptoms and issues as chlamydia, and one usually comes with the other. It’s curable and with proper medicine, it'll be out of your system within a few days.
Syphilis - 'It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia'
It starts off fairly normal, a small bump or scrape, a character or plot-line that seems relatable. Then, as you get further along, you realize everyone is absolutely insane with tendencies for damage to nerves, brains, and internal organs. If not treated quickly, the Nightman will take your soul.
Trichomoniasis - 'Broad City'
With similar symptoms and random characters to the previous three curable infections, this show initially feels familiar, but with a twist. As it is with much of life’s tragic comedy, this affliction seems to affect women far more directly than men. Pain, redness, and itching will intensify, but with a quick antibiotic, you'll be a regular Kirk Steele.
Herpes - 'Curb Your Enthusiasm'
Good or bad, it’ll stay in your life forever, disappearing and resurfacing as it pleases. Just live with the fact that there won’t be anything like it again and you can go on living a normal life even though it feels like it's over. But then it gets a re-boot. Always remember the good times and keep a healthy immune system to avoid the excruciatingly uncomfortable situations. Hopefully a cure will eventually appear, that'd be pretty, pretty good.
HIV/AIDS - 'Girls'
It starts off with a bang and your life is forever changed. You replay images in your head of waking up next to random people, as you begin to re-examine and prioritize your world and your influences. This show becomes increasingly annoying, full of societal disconnect, and pretentiousness. However, there is life at the end of the tunnel: if you have the means to afford the remedies, you can survive and live a fruitful existence. If there’s one thing this show teaches us, it’s that without a big bank account, your health will be a constant challenge while the show continually gets worse and worse.