Spotted! Baboons Wielding Chainsaws and Knives, No Reason to Think Next Few Months Will Escalate

To say that 2020 has been…tumultuous at times would be like saying Michael Jackson and Bubbles the Chimp were mere acquaintances. It’s been a wild ride, to be sure. And it’s only July. Who knows what autumn will bring? This month alone we’ve seen secret militia police, bears breaking into people’s homes, Kanye announcing and then denouncing his presidential aspirations, Trump thinking he can change the Constitution by delaying the election and so, so much more. April feels like it happened five years ago. We don’t want to say we’ve seen it all, but it wouldn’t surprise us if, suddenly, baboons started wielding chainsaws and knives, preparing themselves for battle.

Wait, you’re saying that actually happened? Of course it did. Why wouldn’t it? According to The Sunday Times, a roving group of monkeys at a UK safari park have been spotted vandalizing cars with an assortment of weaponry, including knives, screwdrivers and, according to one report, a motherfuckin’ chainsaw.

“We’re not sure if they are being given weapons by some of the guests who want to see them attack cars, or if they’re fishing them out of pickup trucks and vans,” an employee told the Times. “They will literally go into people’s toolboxes and carry them around. One of the baboons was seen lugging around a chainsaw.”

Listen, we didn’t think we would have to say this (but, then again, we also didn’t think we’d have to tell people not to drink bleach either but, ya know, 2020) but in case it isn’t clear — please do not give a gang of baboons weapons. They will not use them to put on a show with music and tiny hats. They will steal your shit and probably beat you up. And the last thing you want to tell an already stressed-to-the-max hospital employee is that you got stabbed by a monkey with a chainsaw. No word yet on whether the gang of monkeys were wearing leather jackets while winning the begrudging respect of a rival gang through the power of dance.

Fuckin’ monkeys, man.

Cover Photo: Gravity Giant Productions (Getty Images)

Meanwhile in Florida: Monkeys Have Their Own Virus to Contend With, Incidentally They Know More About It Than Mike Pence Does About Ours

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