The Biggest Headlines of 2019 That We Already Forgot About
Before the clock strikes midnight on yet another trip around the sun, let’s take a moment to jog our memory on the shitstorm of insanity that was 2019. From Disneyland’s fight club to the spiritual awakening of Mike Tyson, this year has been one of the weirdest on record. (Trust us, we have the headlines to prove it.) So let’s raise a toast to the long year we survived, all the magnificent beer we swilled, and the important lessons we learned and forgot. And let us hope 2020 has fewer meth gators and more unicorn puppies. Because we all deserve one perfect year. Why not this one?
Photo: Mario Tama (Getty Images)
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Magic Mushrooms Hit Colorado
Denver voted to decriminalize magic mushrooms in May, proving that not all news is bad news.
The Angry Bagel Guy
Over the summer, the angriest vertically-challenged person since Napoleon became an internet sensation when he forgot his bagel shop etiquette during a moment of pure little-man rage. The angry bagel guy's YouTube channel has since been deleted.
The MAGA Kid
Back in January, when 2019 was still full of promise, the MAGA hat kid story came along and ruined it. Now the mischaracterized teen is battling Jeff Bezos' Washington Post for $250 million in damages, suggesting that beneath his innocent smile lurks an irritating smugness after all.
The Butterfly Invasion
Millions of butterflies descended on the West Coast this spring as they made their way south to Mexico to mock Trump's wall while enjoying steak tacos.
El Chapo Sentenced
It was a sad day for cocaine purists when the former kingpin was finally sentenced in July to life in prison. Many fans of El Chapo reacted to the news with loud sniffles, some from sadness.
The Disney Brawl
Adults duking it out in front of their kids was kind of a theme in 2019. And while the little league melee was impressive, no family friendly fisticuff was more majestic than the Disneyland brawl.
Crowding on Mt. Everest
Due to inclement weather truncating the climbing season, Mt. Everest was more crowded than the merch booth at a Kanye West concert. The overcrowding led to one of the deadliest seasons the iconic trail has seen in decades.
Crazy Guy Sets Car on Fire In Canada
This was the year of Malice, the crazy guy in Edmonton who set fire to 13 cars before being tackled by a burly hero in a loud Hawaiian shirt. Thank you, Canada.
The Storming of Area 51
Humans embarrassed themselves in front of aliens once again when a storming of Area 51 turned into a music festival featuring DJ Paul Oakenfold. Extraterrestrials immediately fled the galaxy in annoyance.
Joker Nearly Banned
Joaquin Phoenix's portrayal of the Joker had activists calling to can his latest film release for fear it might spark violence. (Because mass shootings only happen at the movies.)
With so many Kardashian headlines cropping up this year, it's easy to forget Kim's casual cultural appropriation and the huge backlash it received. Maybe she'll have better luck with her innovative body makeup line.
Lena Dunham's Botched Kiss
At the red carpet premiere of Once Upon a Time In Hollywood, Lena Dunham botched her one shot at making out with Brad Pitt. As if it could have gone any other way.
Middle-Aged Tinder User Denied Age Change
An elder Dutchman who sought to change his age so he could score hotter dates on Tinder complained to a court that he felt decades younger than the number on his birth certificate. Though he made an interesting parallel to legal gender reassignment, the judge denied his claim, noting that a smaller number on his Tinder profile wouldn't have made him look any less like a shriveled prune.
Female Sex Toy Denied Award
In January, judges at CES sparked a gender debate when they reneged on a tech award for the female sex toy Osé. Thankfully, a few months later, the judges had a change of heart and restored the honor after a few convincing orgasms.
Mike Tyson Takes DMT
Mike Tyson's spiritual awakening caught major headlines when the former heavyweight champ (turned weed tycoon) admitted to licking toads and loving it. He's come such a long way since his days of trying to fight a gorilla.
TV Comedian Elected Ukrainian President
With the Trump-Ukraine scandal hogging headlines the past few months, it's easy to forget this bombshell story out of Ukraine, the one where a TV clown suddenly becomes the president and makes a mockery of the entire democratic process along the way. Why does that sound so familiar?