Kim Kardashian Body Makeup Comes With the Kanye West of Instruction Manuals
Kim Kardashian West has done it again. She just launched a new line of makeup and the internet is in a tizzy. Like Kim’s other recent launch, Kimono, KKW Beauty Skin Perfecting Body Foundation is causing a major backlash as opponents of the cream (that looks like the juice squirting out the backside of a Philly cheesesteak sandwich) question a superfluous body product that seems to weaponize a woman’s natural beauty. Many are challenging the merits of these types of consumer goods that leave women spending more while feeling less than.
But to avoid any confusion (like why anyone should use it), the product comes with a fascinating, step-by-step, instruction manual to guide would-be users through the process. Though the product is currently sold out, we managed to get our hands on one. Here’s the inside scoop.
Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris (Getty Images)
Step 1: Mental Preparation
Let self doubt win.
Step 1B: Mental Preparation, Part 2
Place better judgment aside for time being and purchase product. Ignore inner voice sending you messages from brain. Listen to the other voice, the one telling you this was a good idea.
Step 2: Remove Pants
Before product arrives, adjust to life without pants. Run daily errands. Go to the grocery store, post office, work, and neighborhood functions. Embrace that underwear is the new outerwear.
Step 3: Search Craigslist For A Man Servant To Apply Cream
You will need someone to "man" the brush in order to attain the most even and thorough application. Vet potential candidates, narrow the field, interview prospective man servants, and negotiate fee down to $29 per week (including unlimited refills of ice tea).
Step 4: Binge Watch All 16 Seasons Of 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'
If you haven’t already, take the time to study the Kardashians with your man servant like two post-grads completing their master's degree at Columbia. Use updated knowledge to strategize plan of attack (i.e. butt first, up strokes or down, two coats or three). An unbreakable bond has now been formed.
Step 5: Avoid Contact With Foreign Objects Including Couch, Wall And Pets
This also includes any loved ones you may encounter such as children or significant others.
Step 5B: Have Man Servant Push All Furniture To The Corners Of Room
You will need the clearance, unless you want what looks like a finger painting of your ass cheeks on the living room wall.
Step 6: Premiere New You To Planet Earth, Stand On Front Stoop So All The Neighbors Can See
Bask in the glory of your perfect skin as the daylight reflects off your thighs in what will appear from outer space to be a second sun. Prepare for the milkman to ring twice.
Step 6B: Basking, Parts 2 and 3
Let their eyes adjust as the sun goes down. Don't worry, the continued shine is normal and completely permanent. It has been tested on animals. Somewhere in the world there are hamsters glowing.
Step 7: Throw Away All Pants
You will not need them in your new life.
Step 8: Reorder And Reapply
If out of stock, hire Chinese scientists to reverse engineer product. Discover it’s a rough mix of maple syrup, aluminum, and glue. Discontinue use after swarm of locust attack your calves and lower buttocks. Google “KKW latest beauty trend 2020.” Buy new pants while awaiting results.