Jeff Bezos
VAN HORN, TEXAS - JULY 20: Jeff Bezos laughs as he speaks about his flight on Blue Origin’s New Shepard into space during a press conference on July 20, 2021 in Van Horn, Texas. Mr. Bezos and the crew that flew with him were the first human spaceflight for the company. (Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images)

Space Cowboy Jeff Bezos Safely Returns to Earth After Brief Blue Origin Jaunt (You’re Stuck With Him, Says the Cosmos)

One small step for man, one big slap in the face for mankind. Jeff Bezos, dressed in some kind of cowboy-astronaut hybrid ensemble, returned to Earth today after his first Blue Origin commercial flight to space.

The 57-year-old Amazon founder launched his phallic New Shepard rocket at 9:12 a.m. ET Tuesday from West Texas.

Photo: Joe Raedle (Getty Images)

He was joined by his 53-year-old brother Mark Bezos, as well as 18-year-old high school grad Oliver Daemen and 82-year-old space veteran Wally Funk, making the guests the youngest and oldest people in space, respectively.

The trip only lasted 10 minutes (insert obvious sex joke about his rocket’s lack of endurance here). The crew traveled approximately 66.5 miles, reaching speeds of up to 2,200 miles per hour.

While Bezos is not the first billionaire in space (that honor goes to Richard Branson), he did fly 10 miles higher than Branson. We don’t really see what’s brag-worthy about any of this (Bezos’ money did the heavy lifting, after all), but his beaming face in press photos indicates he’s awfully proud of his little stand-in dick.

We’re just disappointed the mission went off without a hitch and Bezos returned to Earth unscathed. We were really, really hoping he’d find a new home on Mars or among the stars or anywhere other than these United States. Apparently the cosmos became acquainted with Bezos and said, “Nah, you can keep him, Earthlings.”

Cover Photo: Joe Raedle / Staff (Getty Images)



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