When people have too much time on their hands, they tend to create new labels for things that don’t need them. The most recent addition to the big book of useless definitions is the term “Geriatric Millennial.”
While the label conjures images of aging hipsters with crooked backs and long white beards, it’s really a convoluted way of categorizing people born in the early ’80s. These exotic natives of the dark ages, born before the internet, basically witnessed the invention of fire and so straddle the digital-analog divide like cyber cowboys wearing wild stallions for shoes (with arch support insoles, of course).
But complimentary as the term may be (it’s not) it has offended lots of people on Twitter (as everything does). One side argued that the merits of the classification illustrate why aging Millennials should hold key positions of power within a corporate hierarchy, while the other side threatened to shoot everyone into the sun with a giant cannon.
The author behind the term, Erica Dhawan, is actually a Geriatric Millennial herself. Yet for being a master of communication and one of the top 50 thinkers of her dementia-riddled age group (according to Oprah) she really could have thought of a better name for the kids who grew up playing Nintendo, wandering about the world with no cell phones or porn, and inexpediently conjured the internet from a carboard-box-like Macintosh using AOL.
We think instead of using the word “geriatric” which refers to old people needing special care, a more suitable label might have been “Anal Digit Millennials” (a lovely portmanteau of analog-digital) or “The Greatest Generation of All Time Who Never Wants To Fight A War And Knows How To Use A Computer”.
But we digress. The backlash for this unwanted new designation has been swift and brutal and hilarious. Because hell hath no fury like Geriatric Millennials scorned. Check out all the best Twitter vitriol early-’80s babies could fling with their withered arms below, then watch as they lay down on the sidewalk to take a nap.
Cover Photo: Halfpoint (Getty Images)
Learned this morning I am called a geriatric millennial I think they meant a vibrant THRIVING skeleton
— Henry Zebrowski (@HenryLovesYou) May 14, 2021
"Older people are often susceptible to financial scams targeting their assets. Fortunately, you don’t have to worry about this with elder millennials, as they have no assets."https://t.co/3YOQ4NDPvt
— Timothy McSweeney (@mcsweeneys) May 21, 2021
Geriatric??? Get off my lawn. https://t.co/Pp6Vq8c7gB
— Garrett Haake (@GarrettHaake) May 14, 2021
media: millennials are literal babies
millennials: uhh we're adults actually
media: millennials are older than dirt https://t.co/12jInUoAfv
— no thoughts only woof (@pup_hime) May 14, 2021
shout out to everyone born between 1980 to 1985, you’ve been Gen X, Gen Y, a millennial, the Oregon trail generation, a xennial, an elder millennia, and now a *checks notes* geriatric millennial
— Indy ? (@IndecisiveJones) May 14, 2021
We are the Oregon Trail Generation, and if you don't address us by our formal title we WILL let you die of dysentery. https://t.co/Mdag6eli8o
— Doctor B @ GDC recovery mode (@TheeDoctorB) May 14, 2021
Me, as a Gen-Xer, observing the “geriatric millennial” discourse: pic.twitter.com/x5Hs0KESsU
— The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink (@Frustrated_Fan) May 14, 2021
"Geriatric millennial" actually resonates with me very much. Like that's *exactly* how I feel.
— Jenée (@jdesmondharris) May 14, 2021
as a geriatric millennial i would like to get a discount at the movies
— rachel syme (@rachsyme) May 14, 2021
The way I'm lathering this lidocaine all over my knees…
Peak geriatric millennial.
— skin hunger poster child (@danimosestellar) May 25, 2021
Blessed and honoured to be considered a Geriatric Millennial. pic.twitter.com/WLOePHCysw
— Polis ? Loizou (@PolisLoizou) May 14, 2021
I personally plan on having a geriatric millennial summer. Brunches, day drinking, and home by 8pm to watch murder documentaries before bed at 9.
— Ohstephco (@ohstephco1) May 24, 2021
— Nathan Baschez ? (@nbashaw) May 23, 2021
Geriatric Millennial Falcon pic.twitter.com/KAmEF3a6c1
— Baz McAlister (@bazmcalister) May 20, 2021
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