Attempt to Identify: Investigation Search For Orange-Colored Troll Man Responsible For More Than 120K Deaths

The president doesn’t usually double as law enforcement, but since when does Donald Trump follow precedence? In a recent rash of tweets, the Cheeto-in-Chief shared digital wanted posters of 15 people allegedly involved in an attempt to tear down an Andrew Jackson statue near the White House.

The tweets featured blurry photos of the protesters – one taking a selfie, another flipping the bird – alongside the insignia of the United States Park Police and the words “Attempt to Identify.”

The tweets came on the heels of an executive order that demands that people (or in Trump’s words, “anarchists and left-wing extremists”) who desecrate monuments – even (or, perhaps in Trump’s mind, especially) racist ones – be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

So while statues of deplorable, dead bigots are being fully protected by the law, black citizens continue to be killed by police at alarming numbers and 128K Americans are now dead from coronavirus – both tragedies that could have been mitigated with, oh, say, a competent leader in the highest office of the land.

In our own attempt to identify the man responsible for all these avoidable deaths, be on the lookout for a 74-year-old white (but orange-hued) male who stands at a lumbering 6 feet 3 inches, weighs a whopping 243 pounds, has a mouth that looks like a puckered asshole, and whose head contains no brain. If you see him, please notify authorities immediately.

Cover Photo: Twitter

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