Tormenting Tuesdays Reportedly Now Worse Than Case of the Mondays, Followed by Wicked Wednesdays and Basically Every Day Is Just Awful (Weekends Now Just Awkward Spaces Between Weeks)

No one ever told you life would ever be this way. Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, and your love life is D.O.A. It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear. It hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year. Truthfully, it hasn’t really been anybody’s year thus far. Nor has it been our month or our week. In fact, the majority of us are just trying to make it through the day which, in and of itself, is a struggle. In fact, each day seems to be worse than the previous one.

Used to be, people would say “You’ve got a case of the Mondays.” Well, we’ve got bad news. A case of the Mondays has now been replaced or, more accurately, expanded to include “Tormenting Tuesdays.” Let’s be honest: nobody ever liked Tuesdays to begin with. It’s too close to Monday and too far away from Friday. There are usually no sports on and, unless you like tacos, there’s absolutely nothing special about it. Now, combine that with coronavirus quarantine and you have the absolute worst day of the week. Tormenting Tuesday is then replaced by Wicked Wednesday and the point is we don’t even know what day it is anymore but they all suck. This is your typical Tormenting Tuesday Schedule (or any day, really).

6 AM: Wake up and check phone.

6:02 AM: Realize you don’t have work and you also don’t have any text messages or social media notifications.

6:03 AM: Go back to sleep.

12:34 PM: Wake up for real this time and check your phone again.

12:35 PM: Realize you still don’t have any text messages or social media notifications.

12:36 PM: Lay in bed and watch TikTok videos.

2:30 PM: Take the first shower you’ve taken in 3 days.

3:00 PM: Scour the fridge and realize you have no food.

3:05 PM: Eat dry cereal while watching reruns of The Office.

5:00 PM: Tell yourself you’re going to work out.

5:01 PM: Change your mind.

5:02 PM: Open your laptop and pour a cup of coffee. It’s time to get to work!

5:15 PM: You’ve worked long enough. You deserve a beer.

5:17 PM: For the rest of the night, drink until you start hating yourself. Then drink more until you start loving yourself. Then drink a little bit more until you start hating yourself again.

3 AM: Try to drunkenly masturbate but just get tired and sad and then finally cry yourself to sleep with your dick in your hand.

And that’s Tuesday. Or any day, really. Weekends used to be an exciting break from the monotony, but now they’re just longer, sadder versions of Tuesday.

Cover Photo: Twentieth Century Fox

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