TP-Emergency: Oregon Police Plead With Residents to Stop Calling 911 When They Run Out of Toilet Paper

It’s a waking nightmare. You’ve just finished doing your business on the crapper, you reach for the toilet paper…and you’re met with a bare cardboard roll. Who you gonna call? Well, if you live in Newport, Oregon, you probably dialed 911 and told the dispatcher you had a TP emergency. At least, that’s what it sounds like. Police in the coastal city are pleading with residents to quit calling about the absence of ass wipes.

“It’s hard to believe that we even have to post this. Do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper. You will survive without our assistance,” the police department posted on Facebook. They then went on to detail all the different forms of toilet paper people have used in past emergencies. They range from the bizarre (seashells, rope soaked in sea water, corn cobs) to the quaint (the Sears Christmas catalog). Grocery receipts, newspaper, cloth rags, lace, cotton balls, and even leaves are among their other suggestions. “Be resourceful. Be patient. There is a TP shortage. This too shall pass. Just don’t call 9-1-1,” they said in conclusion.

In other words, the police are up to their ears in shit every day and they don’t have time to deal with yours.

Cover Photo: Howard Huang (Getty Images)

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