The Mandatory Guide to Dating in the Age of Coronavirus
Coronavirus is scaring the shit out of all of us, but that doesn’t mean you should stop living your life. You’re young and attractive; you can’t let your prime dating years pass you by. Even though dating apps like Tinder have warned users to be careful of contagion, we simply can’t endorse forcing yourself into a celibate lifestyle because of COVID-19. You have needs, after all. That said, don’t throw too much caution to the wind. There are some ways to keep yourself safe while still getting your socializing on. Use this Mandatory Guide to Dating in the Age of Coronavirus to keep your mojo flowing without putting your wellbeing at risk.
Cover Photo: Gerard Fritz (Getty Images)
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Only date homebodies.
When swiping through Tinder, you probably tend to be attracted to the outgoing types who love partying, dancing up a storm, and seeing live entertainment. But for your own safety, you must squash the impulse to date extroverts. The only safe date right now is a homebody. The less they leave their home, the better.
Avoid group dates.
The more people you surround yourself with, the more likely you'll be to catch coronavirus. Stick to one-on-one dates rather than group dates. You can catch up with your friends when the outbreak ends.
Stay away from travel enthusiasts.
You know the type: they post breathtaking selfies on mountaintops, white sand beaches, or in front of national monuments. They think their battered passports are badges of honor. Avoid these people at all costs. While they might have been a blast to hang around when the world wasn't hurtling toward annihilation, there's no place in your dating life for these kind of people in the age of coronavirus. That wanderlust that used to be so alluring? It's a liability now.
Don't date the elderly.
GILFs may be all the rage on Pornhub, but now is not the time to indulge your older woman fantasies. The elderly are at highest risk for contracting and dying from coronavirus, so cross anyone over 50 off your "to do" list. Go ahead and be an ageist, and only date barely legal people from here on out.
Cook at home.
You don't want to know the gross stuff that goes down in restaurant kitchens. Minimize your risk of contagion by cooking at home, together. It's fun, healthy, and just might keep you alive.
Don't share food.
It's sweet that you prepared a meal together, but feeding each other is a big no-no in pandemic conditions. Don't try to recreate the spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp (unless you want a Romeo and Juliet-style ending to your romance). To each his (or her) own food.
Don't hold hands.
Aw, hand-holding is so cute. But how cute will it be when you're dying from coronavirus, transferred from what seemed like innocent flesh-to-flesh contact? Consider all hands contaminated until further notice.
Faces are like nuclear reactors at this point. Don't touch your own and don't touch your date's. We'll miss the sensual act of caressing a date's cheek, too, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Hands off!
Kiss only through surgical masks.
You can't be too careful these days. If you were lucky enough to nab a surgical mask before they all sold out, make sure you wear it 24/7, especially while kissing. In the coronavirus age, spit is like kryptonite.
Invest in his-and-hers hazmat suits.
Safety is sexy! Surprise your date by springing for a hazmat suit just for them. You two will be the talk of the town and will never lose track of each other in public.
Clean up your act.
One of the biggest things you can do to prevent the spread of coronavirus is wash your hands. We say: why stop there? Take your date into the tub and give each other a little rub-a-dub-scrub!
Reduce your risk of exposure to coronavirus by tightening your social circle to a party of two. One way to do this is to ask for exclusivity with the first person you can tolerate for more than a few dates. You don't have to marry them, just plan to be monogamous until this global health crisis blows over.
We don't know if condoms can actually prevent the spread of coronavirus, but they are effective at preventing other awful diseases, infections, and unplanned pregnancies. While you're taking all these other precautions to ensure you don't fuck up your life, take 30 seconds to unroll a condom before sex. Your future self will thank you.
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