Pardoned White House Turkeys Named Bread and Butter, Ironically Named After Two Things Trump Will Never Pardon in the Least

Nothing is more ironic than naming your potentially pardoned turkeys Bread and Butter, the two things that are never spared on Thanksgiving. The White House turkeys were put up in the luxurious Willard Hotel because “them’s a fancy bird,” plus they refused to stay at Trump Hotel unless they could shit all over the walls. Meanwhile, gluten and dairy were not spared (not in the least) and will likely be consumed at incredible rates by our fearful leader (and his incredibly fast heart rate). President Trump wished the pardon turkey “a lot of luck,” but made it clear he didn’t have much to give, then muttered something that sounded like “we’re all screwed anyway” as he pardoned the wrong turkey because apparently the popular vote doesn’t count on Twitter either. Perhaps, if all goes well, they will be serving impeachment pies for dessert.


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