Fake News: Pasty Barista Fired For Slipping Pumpkin Spice Into Summer Drinks

Fall may still be officially a month out, but for one overly-anxious coffee barista, her autumn came unexpectedly soon when she was caught orange-handed slipping pumpkin spice prematurely into her customers’ summer drinks. The young woman, who had worked in the establishment since high school, claimed she’d reached her limit with the “tan lines and sweat stains of summer assholes” and was eager to expedite the cold seasons when her love of all things chartreuse, earth-toned and knitted thrift could shine with their dulled, vintage pride.

“I thought my Thai iced coffee with vanilla unsweetened almond milk tasted a little funny the last few times I came through,” one regular customer told Mandatory. “Now that you mention it, I think she was gradually upping the amount of pumpkin spice each day, because today I nearly turned into a pumpkin!”

While it’s unclear what lengths the woman was willing to take to get people over summer, the young barista will luckily never have a chance at this particular coffee shop. Sources close to the woman say she’s struggled with seasonal affective disorder (SAD) so intensely in the past that once she was caught snorting a line of pumpkin spice off the employee bathroom toilet. That, as they say, takes a latte and was reportedly the last (unreusable) straw to break to caramel macchiato’s back.

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