Meanwhile in Florida: Man Attacks Woman With McDonalds Sauce Packets, Spices Up Life
Pasco County in Florida has one of the highest crime rates in America, which helps explain the peculiar case of one Jesus Oscar Ferrer, Jr. After his baby mama brought him the wrong condiment flavor from a local McDonald’s, Jesus showed his displeasure by pelting the woman with said sauce packets. To fend off Jesus’ sweet-and-sour-flavored wrath, the defendant grabbed his ample beard and yanked, prompting a tussle to ensue. Moments later, Jesus fled the scene but was later apprehended.
There must be something in the water down in Florida, as Jesus’ violent outburst fits like glove among a laundry list of bizarre happenings to emerge from the Sunshine State. These recent cases are sure to leave you scratching your head in disbelief (and steering clear of America’s wang), before realizing that — wait, it’s Florida — it all makes perfect sense.
Cover Photo: RichLegg (Getty Images)
Area Man Attempts To Kill Neighbors With Kindness
After threatening to kill his neighbors with kindness, Bryan Duane Stewart returned wielding a machete in which he had etched the word "kindness" on the blade. Though his murder was unsuccessful, his pun absolutely killed.
Woman Blames Cocaine Possession On The Wind
Cops pulled over a woman for a routine traffic stop, only to discover she was in possession of illegal substances. She admitted to authorities that the marijuana was hers, but claimed the cocaine must have blown in through an open window, citing a "very windy day."
Man Attacks Girlfriend With Dangerous Cookie
On February 24, 2019, Wade Allen Smith brandished a cookie at his girlfriend. He then threw the baked good so hard at his significant other, it left a mark on her forehead. He was subsequently arrested for doing so without her consent. Good old Pasco County.
Nude Man Starts Fire While Baking Cookies On Foreman Grill
After a day of drinking, a man attempted to bake himself some cookies on a George Foreman grill. Unfortunately, when he left the grill unattended for too long, it caught fire and burned the house down. When the fire crew arrived on the scene, the man was standing in the house, unaware that it was filled with smoke but promptly apologized to the firemen for burning the cookies.
Dog Shoots Owner, Found Innocent
It wasn't until the bullet entered his leg that 35-year-old Gregory Dale Lanier realized his gun had been loaded. His dog was laying on the passenger-side floor when his back paw struck the trigger. Apparently this wasn't the first time a dog has shot a man in Florida. While dogs have the right to bear teeth, should they have the right to bear arms?
Drunk Man Uses Taco As Current Form Of I.D.
Matthew Falkner was three times the legal limit when his car caught fire during a run for his fourth meal of the night. He had just received his order from a Jensen Beach Taco Bell when he fell asleep at the drive-thru and his car went up in flames. When officers arrived at the scene, Falkner presented one of his tacos as a form of I.D. When the cops refused to accept the taco, Falkner ate it.
Man Threatens World Domination Via Turtle Army
Brevard County Police responded to several calls about a man threatening to "destroy everyone with an army of turtles." The community was left shell-shocked after 61-year-old Thomas Devaney Lane was hauled away by police.