Meanwhile in China: Birthday Parties Banned to Promote Frugality, Hopefully Trend Lands in US Before My String of Summer Gatherings

Birthdays are like assholes. Everyone has one and they’re not as fun as they look. Luckily, China is putting a stop to all this festive madness by banning birthday parties, and we couldn’t be more on board.

The drastic measure, which also includes celebrations for job promotions and housewarmings, is a directive from the central government in an attempt to curtail spending, corruption, and presumably, awkward small talk at post-pandemic get-togethers. It’s being tested out in Funing county north of Shanghai before potentially wider implementation.

The timing couldn’t be better. After a year of not celebrating any milestones, it’s the best time to completely phase out joy while also saving a few bucks on catering.

Weddings and funerals are also getting squeezed. Matrimony guest lists are being capped at 200, with no more than ten cars per ceremony. And the price per head for the reception is set at $8, with a maximum cash gift of $31. This way people can not have their cake and not eat it too. Sounds like there’s a dietary benefit thrown in as well?

While all financial details of weddings and funerals must now be submitted to the government (most likely to ensure people aren’t being bilked by wedding bands), husbands are still allowed to have cold feet even long after the ceremony is over.

Some argue China is giving communism a bad name. But we’d like to think they simply represent the morose, anti-social, poverty-surfing curmudgeon in us all. Like a wet blanket after a long winter’s night, these measures ensure everyone stays depressed for as long as possible. Thank you, China, for having the courage to say what we were all thinking.

Cover Photo: Estradaanton (Getty Images)

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