male exorcist with bible and cross standing over demoniacal screaming girl in bed

Exorcisms on the Rise Because Demons Haunt Via Text Now, Catholic Priest Says While Considering New Options For Himself

The coronavirus pandemic seems to have ebbed (for now). But no sooner did one existential threat leave us than another comes rearing its ugly head. According to Monsignor Stephen Rossetti, a Catholic priest based in Washington DC, demons are out to get us.

The good Father should know; he and his colleagues perform up to 20 exorcisms a week. “I think this is going to get much worse before it gets better,” he told the New York Post, adding that the demand for extreme spiritual purges has “grown exponentially” in the past decade.

How would you know there was a demon in your midst? Well, in his book Diary of an American Exorcist. Demons, Possession, and the Modern-Day Battle Against Ancient Evil, Rossetti describes doors banging, dogs howling, victims speaking foreign languages, electronics on the fritz, and people spitting out nuts and bolts. Literally. Oh, and watch out for your smart phone. Apparently, it’s now the demons’ preferred method of communication.

“Several exorcists have had the same experience, getting texts from demons, and why not?” Rossetti reported. “In the past they messed with electronics — TVs and lights turning off and on by themselves. Now they mess with cellphones.”

Two things he hasn’t seen people do? Levitate or spin their heads a la The Exorcist. (So everything Hollywood ever taught us was a lie!)

We’d say this guy should probably get checked out by a psychologist, but guess what? He is one! Licensed and everything. (That’s almost more frightening than the idea of demon possession.) He also works as a research associate professor at the Catholic University of America. (No rest for the wicked.)

Rossetti has a simple prescription for keeping the demons away: “Put crucifixes in your home, holy water in a font at home, religious statues around the house, and say your rosary.”

Got that, Mandatory faithful? It’s a small price to pay to be able to continue to text without demon interference.

Cover Photo: LightFieldStudios (Getty Images)



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