Meanwhile in Florida: Mother and Daughter Rig Homecoming Queen Election, That’s Going to Make For Some Awkward Yearbook Messages

It happened last year, in early November when a rigged election would forever change the lives of freedom-loving Americans. No, not that election, silly. We’re talking about the battle for homecoming queen at J.M. Tate High School outside Pensacola, Florida.

Something didn’t feel right when Emily Grover took home the crown that night. The jocks were shocked. The debate club began to argue. Even the nerds, huddled together behind the punchbowl, had to check their bifocals when they saw what had just unfolded before their eyes.

Before the dance was over, a rumor began spreading around school: The vote had been rigged.

The wave of gossip prompted school district election contractors to take a closer look at the tally. They quickly discovered 124 suspicious votes had been cast from the same IP address – a hundred more from another single location. School officials decided to launch a formal investigation, enlisting the help of local authorities.

It took investigators five months to crack the case. (Finally, the taxpayers of Florida had spent their money on something worthwhile.) Big surprise, the trail of flagged votes led straight to Emily Grover and her mom, Laura Carroll’s cell phone.

Turns out, as assistant principal of nearby Bellview Elementary School, Carroll had access to the online database of school district records. Sadly, all it took was a quick log-in and a few misplaced votes to steal the American dream.

But high school kids, as we all know, can smell bullshit a mile away. And when the wrong person wins homecoming queen, not only is it an assault on the very soul of America itself, it’s not fair to the popular girls.

Although authorities charged Emily (and her mom) with conspiracy and stripped her of the crown, we’re going to say it’s probably for the best. Because peaking in high school sucks no matter what your criminal-record-having mom tells you.

With any luck, Emily Grover’s fall from teenaged grace will lead to great things later in life. We wouldn’t be surprised if she makes a run for Congress someday, as we can all agree, Washington D.C. is the perfect place for someone with blind ambition to exercise all those hard feelings they still carry from prom night.

Cover Photo: Jupiterimages (Getty Images)

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