The Ted Cruz Crisis Management Guide to Timely Vacations (And Who to Blame Them On Like A Total Pro)

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. As in packing their bags and going to the airport to catch the first flight out of the country. Because according to the Ted Cruz handbook on crisis management, there’s no better time and place to scream “I got this!” during a statewide emergency than on a Caribbean beach with a cocktail straw in your mouth. But before we get into what off-the-menu libations Ted Cruz enjoys on la playa, let’s take a look at what led him to such professional acts of heroism in the first place.

This week, unprecedented winter storms wiped out half of Texas’s power grid, leaving three million people without electricity as overnight temperatures dipped below freezing. Those on respirators due to complications from COVID had no assistance breathing. To make matters worse, the storms also caused water and food shortages prompting a boil-water alert for 16 million Texans, many of whom, you guessed it, didn’t have the power to boil their water.

As they say in Texas, things broke bad to all git out.

Yet amidst all the chaos, one man had a golden plan. While millions of Texans battled for survival during one of the biggest power outages the state had ever seen, one lone hero knew exactly how to keep everything warm and cozy: An impromptu trip to Cancun. He just didn’t count on being spotted at the airport.

The breaking news sent Twitter into a frenzy:

Now don’t worry, for those of you questioning the strategy of Texas’s (second) favorite Senator, we assure you Cruz’s Mexican getaway was handled with total professionalism. As his speedy return trip and subsequent damage control techniques will tell you, this isn’t Tan Ted’s first rodeo (in Cancun). For proof, we give you the world premiere of The Ted Cruz Crisis Management Guide to Timely Vacations (And Who To Blame Them On) Pocket Edition.

Cover Photo: MEGA (Getty Images)

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