The Ted Cruz Crisis Management Guide to Timely Vacations (And Who to Blame Them On Like A Total Pro)
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. As in packing their bags and going to the airport to catch the first flight out of the country. Because according to the Ted Cruz handbook on crisis management, there’s no better time and place to scream “I got this!” during a statewide emergency than on a Caribbean beach with a cocktail straw in your mouth. But before we get into what off-the-menu libations Ted Cruz enjoys on la playa, let’s take a look at what led him to such professional acts of heroism in the first place.
This week, unprecedented winter storms wiped out half of Texas’s power grid, leaving three million people without electricity as overnight temperatures dipped below freezing. Those on respirators due to complications from COVID had no assistance breathing. To make matters worse, the storms also caused water and food shortages prompting a boil-water alert for 16 million Texans, many of whom, you guessed it, didn’t have the power to boil their water.
As they say in Texas, things broke bad to all git out.
Yet amidst all the chaos, one man had a golden plan. While millions of Texans battled for survival during one of the biggest power outages the state had ever seen, one lone hero knew exactly how to keep everything warm and cozy: An impromptu trip to Cancun. He just didn’t count on being spotted at the airport.
The breaking news sent Twitter into a frenzy:
Ted Cruz flying to Cancun while his constituents freeze to death in Texas pic.twitter.com/zUZGYqrD31
— Nico Correia (@notn1co) February 18, 2021
“Ted Cruz may have went to Cancun “
— alex (@alex_abads) February 18, 2021
Ted Cruz making a video statement later today pic.twitter.com/65xZcUG5bz
— Declan Cashin (@Tweet_Dec) February 18, 2021
Playa del Bad Ideas. pic.twitter.com/7EPMS2NFTY
— Helen Kennedy (@HelenKennedy) February 18, 2021
Ted Cruz. Normandy. pic.twitter.com/XTjxaRNksk
— raf (@rafaelshimunov) February 18, 2021
Ted Cruz at Pearl Harbor. pic.twitter.com/tUqmUZnfYp
— Digitized.eth (@adamfwoods) February 18, 2021
Live footage of Ted Cruz’s first post-Cancun press interview. pic.twitter.com/VMIHl3ZoJW
— G O L D I E. (@goldietaylor) February 18, 2021
— John M. Phillips (@JohnPhillips) February 19, 2021
Now don’t worry, for those of you questioning the strategy of Texas’s (second) favorite Senator, we assure you Cruz’s Mexican getaway was handled with total professionalism. As his speedy return trip and subsequent damage control techniques will tell you, this isn’t Tan Ted’s first rodeo (in Cancun). For proof, we give you the world premiere of The Ted Cruz Crisis Management Guide to Timely Vacations (And Who To Blame Them On) Pocket Edition.
Cover Photo: MEGA (Getty Images)
How to blow a fortune: The Mandatory Jeff Bezos Guide To Retirement
1. Spring Into Action
A true professional knows how to move quickly and beat others to the exit mid-crisis.
2. Grab The Roller You Keep Packed For Just Such An Occassion
Forget the essentials. Pack only the books you won't read, the pants you won't wear, and the condoms you will never use.
3. Put A Dummy In Your Bed In Case Wife Checks On You
She hasn't touched you in years, so it's unlikely she will visit your bed in the night. Still, better safe than sorry.
4. Board The Next Plane First-Class So No One Can Bother You
After you've boarded a plane headed a million miles from all your responsibilities, begin liquidating the minibar immediately.
5. Set Your 'Out of Office'
Strike a somber tone on your voicemail while basking in the sun. Invent whatever lie feels appropriate for the type of crisis you are "handling".
6. Return Home Defeated And Prepare To Deflect
OK, you've been busted. Let folks know you're a professional by wearing a mask of your state flag as you skulk through the Duty-Free Shop holding a half-eaten bag of Gardetto's.
7. Blame Your Kids
Take some of the heat off you by redirecting it toward your spawn. (Literally, the first thing you do.) Hell, that's why kids were born in the first place, wasn't it?
8. Pray Everyone Soon Forgets What You Just Did
With all the stuff happening every day, there's a good chance people will forget. On the other hand, they might think of you every time the lights flicker or a chill creeps into their toes. They might even remember you on election day and remember how passionate you are about doing Total Professionalism full-time. Fingers crossed.
Visit the Mandatory Shop for great deals on your very own Mandatory merch.