OMAHA, NE - OCTOBER 27: Supporters wait to watch US President Donald Trump speak at a campaign rally on October 27, 2020 in Omaha, Nebraska. With the presidential election one week away, candidates of both parties are attempting to secure their standings in important swing states. (Photo by Steve Pope/Getty Images)

The Donald Trump 4-Day Getaway Nebraska Rally Vacation Experience

Come one, come all to this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet your favorite president (and his), Donald J. Trump, up close and extremely personal. For just the price of admission (and probably some pretty staggering medical bills), you can see the man who has truly Made America Great Again in your very own hometown of Omaha, Nebraska. And now, for a limited time only, you can receive the MAGA Package: a four-day getaway from the mundane monotony that is your everyday life!

Included in this package (which is, by far, the biggest package you’ve ever seen…everybody says so), is a ticket to Trump’s late-night rally, in which you will be able to join the president in his denial of global pandemics, his racist epithets, his support of white nationalist militia groups and oh-so-much more. President Trump will provide transportation to the event, in the form of shuttle busses. They’ll pick you up and take you to the event, because we need as many people there as possible while the cameras are on. They might pick you up after the event as well, but maybe not. Who knows? We don’t. We don’t really fucking care.

And you shouldn’t either, because also included in this enormous, wonderful package is a three-day stay at your local medical facility, where you will be treated for the hypothermia you contracted whilst waiting for the aforementioned shuttle busses. As a special offer, a free (to us, probably not to you…it depends on how good your insurance is) COVID test will also be given because there’s a very good chance you also contracted that, given the fact that we don’t require masks, nor social distancing at our events. This is America, after all, and we’re not going to force you to make good decisions for yourself or your neighbor. We trust you to use your judgment, just like we trust your judgment when it comes time to vote on Nov. 3 (or before, if you feel like mailing in your vote. In fact, you should probably do that. Send in your vote by mail. You can even address the envelope to the president himself, if you want).

This experience is truly once-in-a-lifetime, because there’s a very good chance you won’t actually survive it. But what better way to honor your country than by dying for it, right? But don’t take our word for it. Check out these reviews from some of our happy customers.

There you have it. The Donald Trump four-day getaway Nebraska rally vacation experience. It’s one day of rallies, three days in the hospital, and it will be the time of your life. If you’ve ever wanted to meet the man behind the toupee, this is your chance. He will be there with bells on, but don’t be late. ‘Cause once those cameras stop rolling, Trump stops trolling and he’s on the first plane out of this godforsaken city that he didn’t even want to come to, to begin with, but we made him because he needs your vote. And remember: tell your friends that this was the biggest and best package you’ve ever seen.

Cover Photo: Steve Pope (Getty Images)

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