Meanwhile in Florida: Man Busted With Bags of Cocaine and Meth Wrapped Around His Penis Claimed Package Wasn’t His (Wait, Which One?)

Are those illegal drugs in your pants or are you just really happy to see us? That’s what we might have said to a certain Florida man who was recently busted for carrying bags of cocaine and methamphetamine wrapped around his penis.

The 34-year-old, named Patrick Florence, got onto the law’s radar last weekend in Clearwater after the car he was a passenger in got pulled over because its lights were off. (The driver was later arrested for DUI and marijuana possession.) During a search, cops discovered a firearm under Florence’s seat, then found the drugs wrapped around Florence’s dick.

When confronted, however, Florence  “stated the package wrapped around his penis was not his,” Deputy Levi Blake wrote in a police report. Because, you know, narcotics just appear without explanation on penises all the time! We get that cocks have minds of their own sometimes, but…come on, man.

Obviously, nobody bought Florence’s excuse, especially given that he has been arrested upwards of 20 times by Pinellas County sheriffs, often for other drug-related charges. This time, he got slapped with four felony drugs and weapons charges.

What we don’t understand is: why did he hide the drugs around his schlong? Was his asshole already occupied?

Cover Photo: Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office



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