Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ! Savior Reportedly Cancels Second Coming, Says He’ll Try Again When Everyone Can Hold Hands During Songs Again

We’re hearing reports that Jesus Christ is having second thoughts about his second coming, for a variety of reasons. We can’t really blame the guy. Dumbass pastors of dumbass churches have been making a lot of dumbass decisions “in the name of God,” so we can see why he’d be hesitant to show his impeccably-bearded (and definitely not white) face any time soon.

In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if Jesus took one look at the current state of things and just opted to start over entirely. God did it in the time of Noah and they were way better people than we are. So, then, the question becomes: who among us is worthy of boarding the proverbial ark? (Which we hope is more of a spaceship-type-vehicle this time, since we have the technology.)

Honestly, the worst thing Jesus could do is just allow us to maintain our existence as is, but it wouldn’t surprise us if he decides to hold off another couple thousand years before he returns. He may be waiting until we can hold hands again or, most likely, he may be taking a page out of our book by just washing his hands of us completely.

Cover Photo: powerofforever (Getty Images)

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