The Carhartt Beanie: Cool Hat or Dick Joke?

Alt-bros and beanies. They go together like nicotine addiction and indie musicians. But one popular head covering among lumbersexuals is drawing comparisons to another masculine, um, trait. A dick.

We’re talking about the Carhartt Acrylic Watch Hat. It’s inexpensive, warm, and beloved among heavily bearded men who want to look like they spend all day outside working when they’ve never done a day’s manual labor, not even in a climate-controlled setting.

Perhaps it’s fitting, then, that when the rest of us look at these posers in their blue-collar brand ware, all we see are little pricks. It used to be that the beanie most commonly came in a bright orange hue, but the introduction of a new “cantaloupe” color (see above) takes the phallic inferences to a whole ‘nother level.

You gotta love how this one looks like it has a little dog water on it…


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It would appear the dudes who don these hats don’t see the resemblance. According to BuzzFeed News, Carhartt’s sales doubled from the first week of December 2020 to the first week of January 2021. The beanie is ubiquitous – just like the body part it resembles. In other words: if you have one, you aren’t special. In fact, you’re ripe for mockery.

But try telling that to all the guys (and a lot of gals, too) walking around with uncut cocks on their heads all winter. Though there is a way to prevent the dickhead look, we aren’t going to tell you how. If you’ve purchased one of these ridiculous hats, you deserve all the giggles, jeers, and pointed fingers you get.

Cover Photo: Amazon

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