The Jeffrey Toobin Guide to a Completely Normal, Professional Zoom Call
If you didn’t know who Jeffrey Toobin was before this week, you do now. He was an attorney, author, New Yorker columnist, and chief legal analyst for CNN. Now he’s just a creep. He was canceled after being caught masturbating on a Zoom call that involved colleagues from the New Yorker and WNYC radio. The meeting was an election simulation (Toobin was representing the courts) and was apparently an aphrodisiac (or just so boring he needed a release).
“I made an embarrassingly stupid mistake, believing I was off-camera. I apologize to my wife, family, friends and co-workers,” Toobin told Motherboard. “I believed I was not visible on Zoom. I thought no one on the Zoom call could see me. I thought I had muted the Zoom video.”
Let’s pretend we believe that Toobin, who has logged a ton of time in front of cameras on various news networks, doesn’t know how a webcam works. Maybe he was a Zoom newbie. Maybe you are, too. We would hate for you to suffer the same scandalous fate. That’s we’ve compiled a guide to a completely normal, professional Zoom call.
Cover Photo: D Dipasupil / Stringer (Getty Images)
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Location, location, location.
Look, coronavirus is going to be with us for a while longer, as will Zoom calls. Prepare a space in your home that looks classy and adult on camera and designate it the Zoom corner. Definitely don’t broadcast from your bed.
Do a dry run.
If you’re new to Zoom, it never hurts to do a practice call with someone unassociated with the group you plan to Zoom with. Definitely don’t log on for the first time at the last minute with a group that holds your employment status in their hands.
Just because you’re broadcasting from the comfort of your home doesn’t mean you can act as casually as you do with your roommates. Definitely don’t conjure your frat boy self of the past while on Zoom.
Keep your pants on. (Literally.)
You are wearing pants, right? Definitely don’t Zoom without proper attire. You never know when your camera’s going to tilt and reveal you (and all your manhood) in your tighty whities.
Mute your mic when not talking.
And definitely don't moan when unmuted.
Focus on the task at hand.
Most Zoom calls have a purpose. Focus on it. Definitely don’t get handsy before everyone (including you) signs off.
Use your breaks wisely.
If your Zoom group takes a break, leave the room. Go to the bathroom, get a snack, reheat your coffee. But do it off camera. Definitely don’t just sit there and try to rub one out with the clock ticking.
Ensure you’re really signed off.
Close all tabs. Clear your cookies. Turn off your camera. Shut your device down. Definitely don’t leave your screen open, camera on, and stay signed into Zoom when you decide it’s time to get off.
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