It finally happened. Elon Musk just became the new father of Jack Dorsey’s baby. (Sorry for that terrifying visual, but we can all agree Twitter is a weird-looking monster baby.) It’s nice to know billionaires can still buy their way into whatever the hell they want.
All it took to become Twitter’s fish-eyed daddy was a cool $3 billion and a few private spankings. A deal that quietly took place in mid-March and snagged Mr. SpaceX a coveted Board seat at his favorite company via 73.5 million shares of Dorsey Bucks. In response to Elon’s 9.2 percent share-gobbling, the market went up, grossing Musk a billion in fun money overnight.
And as usual, Twitter is a titter.
While some users love the idea of a billionaire taking over America’s cybertown square, others reacted by vomiting into their own mouths. More to the point, when the idea of a Trump un-banning came up, Americans did what Americans do best and drew battle lines in the Twitter sand. Divided we tweet.
But what’s all the hullabaloo amount to, anyway? Does Musk’s stake in Twitter afford him the power to make unilateral decisions? Or are people just in a fightin’ mood?
In our wholly unprofessional opinion, based on traditional shareholder dynamics (and accounting for Musk’s option to purchase an additional five percent of the company) the answer is a soft no. And yet, there’s no denying that Elon Musk now wields the single greatest influence over the future of Twitter the world has ever seen. Whatever smelly fruit that bears remains to be sniffed, but expect a certain Musk to permeate the Twitter-sphere from here on out.
Thus far, Musk’s only move has been to tease the idea of an edit button, a bi-partisan opening salvo every user can unite behind. Smart. Because we all agree: Why have thinky before tweety? Thinky is for losers.
Speaking of which, here are the 20 best knee-jerk reactions to Elon Musk buying his favorite thing. Thank god the uber-rich can still have nice things. For the rest of us, heads up, there’s a steaming pile of hot tweets coming at ya.
Elon Musk arriving at his first Twitter board meeting ? pic.twitter.com/Z2aRIWphqQ
— I❤️80s (@IL0VEthe80s) April 5, 2022
Elon Musk at his first Twitter shareholders meeting pic.twitter.com/cVJMo8iLBQ
— RussianNOOBSTER (@RussianNoobster) April 6, 2022
Elon Musk after the first Twitter board meeting pic.twitter.com/y03WtFBBrx
— Stock Market Drip? (@StockMarketDrip) April 6, 2022
Elon Musk spent 1% of his net worth to buy 9% of Twitter
I spent 1% of my net worth on a Taco Bell value meal
— John W. Rich (Fake Tech Exec) (@Cokedupoptions) April 6, 2022
Elon Musk has just spent $3 billion on Twitter. Does he realise Twitter is free?
— The Shovel (@TheShovel) April 6, 2022
Now that @elonmusk owns twitter I’m worried that when I use it it might catch fire while I’m locked inside.
— ?? ????????? (@benigma2017) April 5, 2022
Elon Musk owns some Twitter now, Whooo! Soon, cars will run on likes and retweets.
— Dark Comedy (@DarkComedy) April 4, 2022
So Elon musk owns twitter now are we his employees??
— Glow (@glow_tek) April 6, 2022
Elon Musk owns 9% of Twitter.
And 91% of Twitter regularly owns Elon Musk.
— Tyler M (@Dtrumpjrjunior) April 4, 2022
— SLenZyBoYd (@SLenZyBoYd) April 4, 2022
— Subhrajyoti Das♡⃤ (@Subhrajyotiidas) April 5, 2022
im glad elon musk owns Twitter pic.twitter.com/TdniyR8Z8D
— Moparmaniac (Directly Connected) (@bartsimsonreal) April 5, 2022
(The following message is brought to you by Elon Musk, who now owns 9.2% of Twitter.)
Fuck Elon Musk.
— Middle Age Riot (@middleageriot) April 4, 2022
Oh great! Now that Elon Musk owns 9.2% of twitter I’m gonna have to deal with an even bigger number of oppressed poor people who defend billionaires. https://t.co/9CM8Ej9JX8 pic.twitter.com/Ib3arySYGY
— ?XephiroX? (@XephiroX_) April 4, 2022
Now that @ElonMusk is Twitter’s largest shareholder, it’s time to lift the political censorship.
Oh… and BRING BACK TRUMP!
— Lauren Boebert (@laurenboebert) April 4, 2022
— A Cat Named Bitches (@BitchestheCat) April 6, 2022
— OnTheBull.ethᵐᶠᵉʳ ?? (@OnTheBull) April 4, 2022
I am inspired by curiosity.
That is what drives me.
So let us expand the scope & scale of consciousness so that we may aspire to understand the Universe.
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) April 3, 2022
Cover Photo: Pool (Getty Images)
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