The Mandatory Guide to the Downward Spiral of Trump’s New Gig Life

Why does it seem like Donald Trump is busier now than he was during the final months of his presidency? From giving incoherent speeches at weddings he wasn’t on the list for to building his collection of typewritten press releases (his version of Twitter) the man now known only as “45,” is floundering around Florida at a blistering pace. His new event bookings website aims to accelerate this post-POTUS sprint (to pay off all his debt).

At the tender age of 74, Trump is embarking on a new career in the gig industry with the launch of The website, which is an orgy of presidential imagery and reads like a greatest hits compilation from Trump’s White House days, is also the place where anyone willing to answer a few questions, pay an unlisted fee, and wait a minimum of six weeks can have a shot at adding an orange hue to their event in the form of a disgraced ex-president. Pre-recorded greetings and personalized messages are also being offered, which we can only assume will be a hot ticket item at funerals and Girl Scout rallies.

While we applaud Trump for his attempts at staving off the latter stages of his dementia, we’re worried that, unlike so many of his other great business ventures, he hasn’t completely thought this one through. Luckily, we know a thing or two about the gig economy.

Mr. 45’s dream of making money by hiring himself and his wife Melania out to various events (does she even know?) is as sweetly innocent as a basket full of puppies. Like high-paid, yet leathery-faced escorts drinking champagne on another man’s dime, this little endeavor is sure to be a moneymaker – at first.

But we predict that in the long run, there can only be one final destination for the man who chiseled American taxpayers, mishandled the “Kung flu” (while single-handedly kickstarting the current anti-Asian movement), and once said “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

Today we lay out the long road to ruin in our Mandatory Guide to the Downard Spiral of Trump’s New Gig Life. And don’t worry, we’ve shared the brief with Trump’s people in a last-ditch effort to save the man from a fate worse than death. Hey, we’re here to help.

Cover Photo: James Devaney (Getty Images)

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