The Mandatory Guide to the Downward Spiral of Trump’s New Gig Life
Why does it seem like Donald Trump is busier now than he was during the final months of his presidency? From giving incoherent speeches at weddings he wasn’t on the list for to building his collection of typewritten press releases (his version of Twitter) the man now known only as “45,” is floundering around Florida at a blistering pace. His new event bookings website aims to accelerate this post-POTUS sprint (to pay off all his debt).
At the tender age of 74, Trump is embarking on a new career in the gig industry with the launch of 45Office.com. The website, which is an orgy of presidential imagery and reads like a greatest hits compilation from Trump’s White House days, is also the place where anyone willing to answer a few questions, pay an unlisted fee, and wait a minimum of six weeks can have a shot at adding an orange hue to their event in the form of a disgraced ex-president. Pre-recorded greetings and personalized messages are also being offered, which we can only assume will be a hot ticket item at funerals and Girl Scout rallies.
While we applaud Trump for his attempts at staving off the latter stages of his dementia, we’re worried that, unlike so many of his other great business ventures, he hasn’t completely thought this one through. Luckily, we know a thing or two about the gig economy.
Mr. 45’s dream of making money by hiring himself and his wife Melania out to various events (does she even know?) is as sweetly innocent as a basket full of puppies. Like high-paid, yet leathery-faced escorts drinking champagne on another man’s dime, this little endeavor is sure to be a moneymaker – at first.
But we predict that in the long run, there can only be one final destination for the man who chiseled American taxpayers, mishandled the “Kung flu” (while single-handedly kickstarting the current anti-Asian movement), and once said “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
Today we lay out the long road to ruin in our Mandatory Guide to the Downard Spiral of Trump’s New Gig Life. And don’t worry, we’ve shared the brief with Trump’s people in a last-ditch effort to save the man from a fate worse than death. Hey, we’re here to help.
Cover Photo: James Devaney (Getty Images)
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Every former president's first stop as a civilian businessman is on the lecture circuit, where charging a million bucks for 45 minutes worth of strung-together ramblings is considered generous. But when the allure of proximal power wears off, he'll soon be forced down to the next rung of the gig ladder.
Missile Launch Warm-Up Act
The next stop after the lecture circuit is the North Korean invitational. The money is too good to resist and the accommodations, while outdated, are extremely impersonal just the way Trump likes it. His old pal Jong-Un has been dreaming of this moment for a long, long time. Soon Jong-Un, soon.
Klan Rally Honorary Guest Speaker
The man has made so many unofficial endorsements for free, it's about time he started charging for them.
Sunday Gun Clubs
Trump will try to milk the NRA fan club by making appearances at several low-profile events. But as soon as they find out he doesn't know how to shoot a rifle, they'll blacklist him from the circuit.
Group Therapist For Aspiring Cults
Just four steps removed from the lecture circuit is the cult therapist circuit. It still has a podium and there are ham sandwiches in the green room.
'Celebrity Apprentice' Convention - Reno, NV
For one glimmering moment, Trump will think he's back in the glory days as he's surrounded by look-alikes and fanboys from around the country. Too bad the high only lasts for one weekend in August.
Florida State Frat Party Hype Man
When fresh offers begin to dry up, Trump will be forced to go local. The money isn't great, but the drive from Mar-A-Lago isn't too bad either. Plus, he can finally get back to his first love:
Grabbing women byDancing.
Cabana 'Boy' For Bored Suburban Housewives in Flyover States
By this point, the man is nothing but a novelty item for the bored and fixed-income. As he shimmies around the pool in his speedo, he can close his eyes and pretend it's just another day at the Epstein estate. But no doubt, the depression of gig life is starting to sink in.
Ribbon Cutting at New Red Robin
You know, the one off Interstate 71.
Rodeo Clown Junior Nationals
Forced to dress as a clown and work for tips, Trump's only option is the Junior Nationals in Fort Worth. When sweat starts to rub his face paint off, fans who recognize him will begin pelting him with tallboys of Lone Star.
Rap Video Booty Shaker...
...For Kid Rock's comeback video. Let's just say, when this happens, you know you've hit Kid Rock bottom.
Kid's Birthday Party Clown
At last, Donald Trump will return to his essence: A sad clown with an audience of screaming children who would ditch his ass for a slice of cake. Oh, the circle of life is a beautiful thing
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