Honest Timeline: Every Dumb Thing Trump Probably Did While Banned From Twitter
Donald Trump finally went too far. On Wednesday, Twitter locked his account, forbidding him from reaching his 88+million followers. The move (which is long past due) came after the president tweeted a slew of untrue, angry messages as far-right protestors stormed the Capitol.
Trump was denied access to the social media platform for 12 hours, probably the longest time 45 has ever had to hold his thoughts inside his own head without a online toilet to spew them into. What could he possibly have done during his Twitter-free hours? We have some ideas. Here’s an incredibly accurate and honest timeline of every dumb thing Trump did during his Twitter ban.
Cover Photo: The Washington Post / Contributor
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6 PM: Tried to fire his social media manager.
Then realized he doesn’t have one.
7 PM: Talked the IT guy’s ear off about starting his own social media platform.
There has to be a way for Trump to find an audience on a platform that can’t ban him. Right? Right?!
8 PM: Learned to turn the page of a book.
This is a major milestone for a man who seems to have a book allergy. Someday he might even learn to read.
9 PM: Called Kanye to offer his condolences about the split from Kim.
If there’s one thing Trump has experience in, it’s divorce.
10 PM: Ordered new golf clubs.
Trump wore his old ones out with all the golfing he did when he was supposed to be governing.
11 PM: Made a voodoo doll of Mike Pence.
Fresh off a brutal betrayal by his second-in-command, Trump took matters into his own hand.
12 AM: Played ‘Pin the Tail on the Turtle.’
Even Mitch McConnell is on the side of “Dude, you lost the election. It’s time to face reality,” which makes Trump’s inner child furious.
1 AM: Made Valentine’s Day cards for the far-right Capitol protesters.
Trump loves those red-faced, gun-toting, confederate flag-waving white guys and he isn’t afraid to show it.
2 AM: Ate a slab of 'beautiful' chocolate cake.
We know the president loves his sweets, and given all the praise he gave a piece of chocolate cake earlier in his presidency, we’re guessing that’d be his emotional eating treat of choice.
3 AM: Humped Melania Trump's leg.
Trump is used to being rejected by his third wife. It's a miracle she let him get this close.
4 AM: Met his son for the first time.
He's heard so much about this kid Barron, so he finally went to meet him. Unfortunately, the kid was asleep. Oh well. They'll bond some other time.
5 AM: Took a dump that required 15 flushes.
Pooping is so much more relaxing when you’re not raging on Twitter in the process.
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