Mandatory Best of 2019: Ranking the 10 Weirdest Stories of the Year
Right about now is where we try to convince you that the world really did end in 2012 and that we’re living in some sort of insane simulation where the worst written code occurred in Florida. Retroactive apocalyptic anxiety aside, since 2012, things have gotten weird and not in a good way. 2019 was no exception, and in a way, the news cycle got even more bizarre than ever. Aliens: check. High-profile pedophile ring: check. A president that may or may not be out of his mind: check, check and check. So maybe it’s not the end of the world, but just the end of the world as we know it. We may simply be hurtling towards extinction like we’re one of our own strange news stories. Since we can’t confirm that, we might as well get to ranking the 10 weirdest stories of 2019. All you have to do is keep reading to find out what they are.
Photo: Mario Tama / Staff (Getty Images)
10. Man Steals Electric Shopping Cart From Walmart to Avoid DUI, Gets Arrested Anyway
Brice Kendell Williams thought he'd outplayed the cops when he stole an electric cart from Louisiana Walmart to go bar hopping. Unfortunately for Williams, someone at the bar called the cops because they're a narc. Anyway, don't drink and drive anything. It's not worth it.
9. Man Eats $120K Banana at Art Basel
Speaking of weird, the powers that be in the art world (aka Art Basel Miami Beach) declared Maurizio Cattelan's banana taped to the wall real-life art and gave it a price tag of $120,000. Instead of letting it rot there, a man (who may or may not have been a performance artist) stopped by and ate it, proving that late-stage capitalism is stunning but delicious.
8. Dog Steals a Car and Drives in Circles For an Hour
A Florida Labrador retriever named Max needed to scratch some stuff of his bucket list earlier this year and he started with boosting a vehicle. Since this happened in Florida, the dog drove around in a circle for an hour before the cops arrived and stopped him.
7. The Government Confirms UFOs Exist Thanks to Tom DeLonge
Although it sounds weird, the government finally confirmed the existence of UFOs thanks to the detective work of none other than dick and fart joke master of the 2000s, Tom DeLonge. After he quit being the frontman of Blink 182, he put all his money into proving aliens are real, which is easily more than the rest of us have ever done.
6. Refueling With the Blood of the Young
When it comes to staying young, people will do almost everything, which is why a startup called Ambrosia now exists. What it does verges on vampirism, as it takes the blood of the young and gives it to the decrepit or whoever will pay $8,000 for "baby blood." Anyways, this is an Alex Jones conspiracy theory come to life, which is why it made this list.
5. Cowboy Hats on Pigeons
No, we don't know why someone in Las Vegas was attaching cowboy hats to pigeons. The most logical explanation is that the rodeo was in town.
4. Company Hires People to Smoke Pot For $3,000
They told us the future would be flying cars and peace on Earth. They were obviously wrong, but we can't argue with the fact that weed is so mainstream that a company has been hiring people to smoke weed and eat their fill of Cool Ranch Doritos. And you don't even have to pay them, they pay you $3,000, just like God intended.
3. Man Parks His Smart Car Inside His Home
The best stories always start with Florida man and this one is no exception. This Florida man parked his smart car inside his home during Hurricane Dorian so it wouldn't blow away. Any why wouldn't you park your Hot Wheels car indoors if it fits?
2. The Storming of Area 51
Never in our wildest X-Files fantasies did anyone believe they'd get access to Area 51, but that didn't stop them from trying. It all started with a Facebook event titled "Storm Area 51, they can’t stop all of us," which went viral with over 2 million RSVPs. Those who went to Area 51 were denied access, but thankfully, we have thousands of beautiful memes to remind us how a chance at peeping aliens made people come together.
1. Jeffrey Epstein Didn't Kill Himself
Honestly, no one with any sense believes convicted child peddler Jeffrey Epstein killed himself. What makes this the weirdest new story of 2019 isn't that the coroner says he killed himself. It's how the general public reacted, which includes a Clovis brewery printing "Jeffrey Epstein Didn't Kill Himself" on the bottom of beer cans because...why not?
Weird and spicy: TSA Finds ‘Like 20 Bags’ of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in Woman’s Luggage
Other than everything that happened in Florida, what weird news stories did we miss in 2019? Let us know in the comments!