Florida Man Hopped Up On Ecstasy Steals Boat Because ‘Swans Don’t Judge Him’

Photo: khamlaksana (Getty)

Stealing a boat shaped like a swan and marooning yourself on a fountain in the middle of a lake is nothing out of the ordinary when it comes to “Florida Man,” so you have to think the most surprising part of this story about Kyle Thurston is that he was only hopped up on molly instead of some kind of prescription pill, meth and laundry detergent combination.

According to The Independent, the 36-year-old Thurston allegedly ganked a “swan-shaped pedalo” on Orlando’s Lake Eola earlier this week, took it out to a fountain, jumped on that fountain without tying the boat to it, watched the swan boat float away and then began screaming for help.

That help came in the form of the Orlando Police Department in the wee hours of the morning. When they reached Thurston on the fountain island, he was wearing a life vest he took from the boat and then “proceeded to explain to his rescuers that he had been taking drugs.”

Officers said that before Thurston was transported to a hospital, “he explained he ingested a large quantity of molly (MDMA) and wanted to be with the swans because they didn’t judge him.”

So if you’re keeping score at home, taking a shit ton of molly will make you steal a boat shaped like a swan and then jump off of it onto a fountain in the middle of the lake. However, it will totally heighten your sense of safety and make you put on a life vest while you’re in the middle of your late-night theft. Great stuff, man.

Abandon ship! Florida Man Doesn’t Remember Stealing, Crashing Boat After Drinking A Few Four Lokos