The Mandatory Golden Rules to Living and Thriving in the Great State of Florida
From Disneyworld to the Everglades to all the golf courses in between, Florida is one of a kind. Living in the Sunshine State can be quite an adjustment. Some aspects of life on the peninsula are pretty awesome. It has more golf courses than any other state, though you do have to watch out for the occasional gator. If you hate hills, well, the state is flatter than your middle-school girlfriend. In fact, the state is flattest of them all, so Kansas can go blow a rainbow. There are also loads of fresh fruit year-round, so you can even make a vodka watermelon in December.
On the other hand, life down south of the south can pose challenges too. Lots of places have wild weather, but few are quite as wild as this subtropical paradise. And there are a few creatures big and small that you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley. Sure, the state might be slowly sinking, but nowhere’s perfect. Afterall, swamps can be beautiful too. These golden rules will ensure your life in Florida avoids the sinkholes and the gators.
Cover Photo: Louise Heusinkveld (Getty Images)
Watch Out for Sinkholes
Sometimes a state will literally pull the rug out from under its citizens, like when a sinkhole suddenly swallows your home or car. West-Central Florida is the holiest part of the state, but sinkholes can happen anywhere in Florida.
Make Your Commute by Boat
With nearly 200 miles of intercoastal waterways, you can trade your car for a canoe. Just remember that it’s called the Alligator State for a reason.
Don’t Bug Out
From giant flying cockroaches to massive stink bugs to wasps with stings strong enough to kill a cow, the Sunshine State has more than its fair share of creepy crawlers.
Don’t Sweat the Taxman
Floridians don’t want the government taking their hard-earned dinero, which is why the state has no income tax. If you make it here, you keep it, except for federal taxes of course.
Respect Your Elders
Jerry Seinfeld once said his parents didn't want to move to this state, but they turned 60 and that's the law. While not literally true, it does have a high number of retirees, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Vote Early and Often
This is the original swinging state, and we don’t mean in the bedroom. Its size and political variability mean the state can often decide who’s the next president, which explains a lot about America today.
Life’s a Beach
This state has 8,436 miles of coastline, which makes it a beach bum’s paradise. Living here has its downsides, so don’t forget to take advantage of its longest perk.
Don’t Feed the Wildlife
These waters are home to alligators, sharks and even giant snakes such as pythons and boa constrictors. There’s also harmless manatees and ridiculous flamingos, but it's always a good idea to respect wildlife.
Listen to the Weatherperson
While many Floridians love the Sunshine State’s warm weather, the peninsula is also prone to hurricanes, which climate change seems to be making more powerful and frequent. At least you’ll never shovel snow again.
Spring Break is No Break For Florida
Once a year, the south sends all its horny college kids souther for an event known as spring break. It could be relaxing for the breeding youngsters, but it can be hell on a beach for residents.
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