The Mandatory Guide to Safe Sex in a Time of Love and Quarantine
There are a lot of guidelines circulating online about how to protect yourself from the novel coronavirus, but none had people cracking up as hard as those recently released by the New York City Health Department regarding safe sex. The two-page document goes into graphic detail about what dirty deeds are the safest for the horny housebound while under COVID-19 quarantine. We’ve condensed the no-holds-barred advice into 10 simple do’s and don’ts so you can pound away without fear while in isolation. Happy humping!
Cover Photo: Jonatan Fernstrom (Getty Images)
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"You are your safest sex partner," declares the NYC safe-sex guidelines. Cue cheers among the lonely masturbators who've been waiting for this validation all along.
Don’t: Have an orgy
Now is not the time for a sex fest. The NYC guidelines state that sex with "only a small circle of people" will help slow or stop the spread of COVID-19. You may think it takes a village to get you off, but try to limit your sexual activity to a select few partners (and preferably not all at once).
Do: Pleasure each other manually
As long as you wash your hands before and after contact, and limit your handiwork to the genitals, manual stimulation is safe. Tap into your high school spirit!
Don’t: High-five after sex
Hands are among the filthiest body parts. Keep yours clean and isolated. If you must celebrate your "sexcess," do an air high-five from opposite sides of the bed.
Do: Give and receive oral sex
With one caveat: use condoms or a dental dam to prevent or reduce the amount saliva exchanged.
Swapping spit is so 2019. Do like a prostitute and refuse mouth-to-mouth contact. Tonsil hockey is not worth dying for.
Do: Anal with a condom
COVID-19 lurks in feces, but you don't have to completely eliminate this kind of sex. If you must go up the butt, use protection.
Don’t: Give or receive rim jobs
That hot piece of ass just might be infected. Don't get up close and personal with it. You didn't really want to do this anyway, did you?
Do: Sleep with your roommates
The safest sex partner (after your own hand) is someone close to you. Like, next-room close. If you haven't gone there with your roommate yet, now's the perfect time. Unless they're sick. That would be stupid.
Don’t: Sleep with strangers
Say goodbye to Tinder. It's a relic of a bygone era now. Sex with strangers puts you at risk of getting sick, so you'll have to save any anonymous sex for post-pandemic times.
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