The Backdoor Bible: 10 Commandments of Entering Your Lady’s Hole-y Place
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Congratulations, your girlfriend is receptive to the idea of anal sex. It must be your birthday so happy birthday, too. But just because you have the green light doesn’t mean it’s full steam ahead.
Like any sex style, backdoor butt is a delicate dance between what you want and what doesn’t hurt her. But because the action takes place in such a sensitive area, you need to be extra considerate. Follow these 10 commandments and you just might get to do this again. God bless.
Next-Level Lovin’: The Mandatory Gentleman’s Guide To Having Sex In Public
1. Thou shall not surprise her.
It is totally uncool to try to slip it into her posterior, pretend you got lost and penetrated the wrong hole, or any other kind of sneaky, manipulative move that doesn’t involve her full and enthusiastic consent. Ideally, anal should be discussed beforehand. No one wants a surprise anything in that area.
2. Thou shall not attempt anal without lubrication.
Unlike the more popular lady part, the back door does not produce natural lubrication. Apply lube generously to you and to her. There’s no such thing as “too slippery” when it comes to up-the-butt.
3. Thou shall not raw-dog.
Unless you’ve both had recent STD testing, shared the results with one another, and are monogamous, you absolutely need to use a condom. No ifs, ands, or buts about it!
4. Thou shall not rush.
This is not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am situation. This is a slow and gentle form of fucking, at least in the beginning. Start with stroking and even insert a finger, just to make sure she really wants all of you up in there.
5. Thou shall communicate.
Yes, you want to get your rocks off, but more importantly, you don’t want to hurt her. Make sure you check in along the way. Ask if she’s OK, ask how a particular pace or depth of thrust feels, ask if you can speed up or do her harder. If you aren’t sure she’s into it at any time, ask.
6. Thou shall stop if she doesn’t like it.
If at any point she says, “stop,” that’s it. You’re done. Don’t sigh or groan or complain or make her feel in any way like she failed. Maybe you’ll try again another day. Maybe you won’t. This is a not a disappointment; it’s an opportunity to practice radical acceptance.
7. Thou shall not even think about doing ass-to-mouth.
ATM is bad hygiene at best and downright foul at worst. Do not attempt ATM unless she has explicitly asked for it (yeah, right) or you’ve paid her to do it (and even then, c’mon man, have a heart). The only exception to this commandment is if there’s a shower in between the two dirty deeds.
8. Thou shall ignore any and all uncouth sounds, sights, or smells.
The very nature of butt sex means you’re intruding on, and pumping air into, her poop chute. When you pull out, or if you switch positions, some embarrassing noises, smells, or substances may escape. Don’t even acknowledge them and definitely don’t shame her for them. As far as you’re concerned, you hear, see, and smell no evil.
9. Thou shall check in with her afterwards.
After you’re both satisfied, tell her how much you enjoyed yourself. Thank her for trying something new. Ask her what it was like for her. Then listen.
10. Thou shall not neglect her other holes.
Sometimes guys fall in love with the butt stuff at first thrust and soon it’s all they want to do. Make sure you don’t get stuck in an ass-play rut. Keep your sexual repertoire lively and diverse. Some women agree to anal only because they want to please their man but they’d really rather have sex the old-fashioned way. Keep her sexual preferences at the forefront of your mind because if she isn’t happy, you won’t be getting any kind of sex, much less your new favorite kind.