Going the Distance: 10 Social Distancing Hacks to Preserve the Veneer of Normalcy
The rapid spread of the coronavirus has changed life as we know it, and not just for close-talkers. After months of denial, the U.S. government is finally taking the threat seriously. The Center for Disease Control recommends “social distancing” to slow the spread of the disease. Social distancing measures include limiting interactions to small groups, closing buildings and canceling events. It also means keeping your distance from other people.
Social distancing is one of the most insidious aspects of the crisis. Our natural human instincts betray us, except for maybe extreme introverts. Hugs, kisses and even handshakes are now major party fouls, even if it’s just a party of two. If you can’t physically comfort a friend, loved one, or stranger, there are still other ways to be social. From eye hugs to chin tilts to good old-fashioned waving, here are 10 ways to stay close without getting close.
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Whether you’re flirting, joking or just trying to get some schmutz out of your eye, the wink is one of the most underappreciated means of non-verbal communication. After telling a nervous friend the government has the coronavirus completely under control, don’t forget to wink.
Handshaking and even fist bumping are now big no-nos, which is probably good since some folks don’t wash their hands after they do-do. We suggest “air” fist bumps with at least six feet between you and your friend’s knuckles.
Hugging is one of the most basic physical gestures of affection and support, but now it could expose you to the coronavirus (or a sexual harrassment lawsuit). Instead, try the eye hug: cock your head, smile big (preferably with your mouth shut) and widen your eyes like you just saw the president crying on national TV like Michael Jordan.
Kisses are the most powerful of human gestures, capable of waking enchanted nappers, transforming amphibians into inbred royals and spreading the coronavirus. If you can’t lock lips with your loved one right now due to a quarantine, it’s OK to kiss opposite sides of windows, after cleaning the glass of course.
Video chat meetings on services like Zoom are a lot like normal meetings expect you're high AF and not wearing pants. If you’re an Aries, then consider having your next birthday party on a Zoom meeting, which not only protects you and your friends from coronavirus, but also DWIs and STDs.
Waving is an oldie but a goodie, plus it's perfect for showing solidarity from a safe distance. However, just use one hand while doing it or you’ll look like…
Doorstep Grocery Drop-Off
If you have a loved one or friend quarantined because they’re infected or are particularly vulnerable, then dropping off groceries at their doorstep is one of the most powerful ways to show your support. Don’t forget to buy them booze, too, because we all could use a drink right about now.
If you can’t bump uglies with your SO or a random person you met on an app five minutes ago, don’t get your junk in a knot. Cybersex, phone sex and other forms of non-corporeal sex are great options for keeping you and your balls from being too blue.
The Middle Finger
If you’re mad our government officials did nothing for months except sell their stocks while telling everyone else to not worry, then the classic middle finger is an effective and safe way to show how you feel from a distance. Let the hate flow through you and if they cancel the elections this November, vote with the finger.
NBA players and other rich people are getting tested for the coronavirus even though they have no symptoms, while us peasants are left to our devices. If you see a rich person on a walk, remember to keep a 6-foot distance and to bow to your betters, because it’s their world and you’re just dying in it.
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