Just when you thought politics couldn’t get weirder, Democratic candidate Andrew Yang starts blowing loads of whipped cream straight from the can into the mouths of his supporters. And that is not a metaphor (or is it?). As President Trump nears the verdict of impeachment proceedings, Democrats scramble to find the right candidate to face him in the still-likely chance he’ll run for the 2020 election. So far we have 78-year-old Bernie on the basketball court and Joe Biden’s No Malarkey Tour from the 1700s. But what better candidate is there than the one degrading their own supporters on their knees, willing taking a squirting from their fearless leader (sounds like something Trump himself would do)? Meanwhile, Michael Bloomberg and other wealthy liberals line up to take over the Democratic party, who will likely take the high road and just throw millions of dollars out of a blimp. It seems Yang’s new slogan is going from #Math to “Take One For the Team.” He didn’t stop with one either…
Days before Christmas, a loggerhead turtle delivered $53 million worth of cocaine to the people of Key West, bringing snow to Florida in another Christmas miracle.
The Magic Pony
A Florida woman who no longer had the power of speech was compelled by the majesty of Magic the miniature mare. Upon laying eyes on Magic, the woman miraculously regained her voice and said, “Isn’t he beautiful?” And when his work was done, Magic moonwalked the f*ck out of there.
The Talking Dolphin
When a mother whale and her calf got beached off the coast of New Zealand, Moko the dolphin stepped in to save the day. By communicating with the whales, Moko was able to lead them back to deeper waters where it was safe. "I don't speak whale and I don't speak dolphin," Conservation Officer Malcolm Smith finally realized in the true spirit of Christmas.
The Bird of Heaven
Back in 1919 at the height of WWI, a pigeon from heaven delivered a message to soldiers on the front, leading to the rescue of 194 lives. His name was Cher. And though he was blown out of the sky by enemy fire, he was posthumously awarded the Croix de Guerre, a French award likely celebrating the joy Christmas.
The Christmas Lions
When a group of rhino poachers had been naughty all year, Santa sent them a message in the form of Christmas lions. The lions tracked the poachers to the Sibuya Game Reserve in South Africa where they proceeded to eat the men alive until nothing was left except the magic of Christmas.
The Sexually Frustrated Dolphin
Zafar was the friendliest dolphin in France, until swimmers realized he was looking for something more. After attacking boats and hoisting women on his nose, it looked like things were not going to end well for Jafar. That’s when another lonely dolphin stumbled into the area wearing a mistletoe hat. The two locked eyes and it was love at first sight. A crisis was averted in this testament to the power of Christmas.
The Christmas Log Fire Cat
When a Yuletide fire broke out in a Brooklyn apartment complex, Scarlett the Cat wasted no time stepping into the role of hero. She saved everyone in the building, risking her own life in the process. Luckily, this cool cat made it out with just a few minor burns and lived to rock another day.
The Silent Chihuahua
When guests came over to celebrate the holidays at a small dinner party in Woodland Hills, California, Gizmo the wonder dog performed the greatest miracle of all: he didn’t bark at anyone. And as the festivities carried on, he kept himself busy the entire night.