College Student Gambles on Del Taco’s Vegan Burrito, Calls Home to Make Parents Proud

If ever there was a way to impress your parents, it’s to tell them you’re eating healthy. In the case of the vegan burrito debuted by Del Taco, this be the old college try at healthier poops, but let’s not kid ourselves. It’s just like your mother taught you: You can polish a turd, but it’s still a piece of shit.

One such parent impressor, Stuart Dungbath, was walking along, minding his own business classes and undergrad yoga pants when his eye caught the neon glow of the local Del Taco. While Dungbath promised himself he wouldn’t repeat history after a long night of flaming cinnamon whiskey and budget-priced tacos, followed by a lengthy morning with his buddy, John (his toilet), he noticed an ad for the new Beyond Meat Vegan Burrito. Could this “vegan-friendly” 8-layered masterpiece be the victory he’d searched for all semester? Time (and bowel movements) will tell, as Dungbath’s acumen for choosing safe meals more than a mile from his beloved “john” has been less than stellar, historically.

More faux food: Burger King Goes Meatless, Confuses the Point of Going Altogether

Upon ordering, the young man would soon find that the fast food supergiant has not one but two new vegan burritos on staff now, which forced Dungbath’s hand (and buttcheeks) to try both, thus doubling — nay, tripling — his risk of unrelenting public diarrhea.

Nevertheless, he would call home to surprise his parents with the good news instead of trolling for strange on Tinder from his porcelain palace, just to let them know they didn’t spend $100K for nothing. He would then spend the rest of the day replenishing his fluids with warm Gatorade and Swedish fish.

More fake foods: Parasite in McDonalds Salad Causes Widespread Illness to Buttholes Everywhere

Cover: Artur Debat (Getty Images)