What’s wrong with Hollywood? The film industry used to be the epicenter of creativity, but lately, it seems they wouldn’t know an original idea if it bit ‘em on the junk. Rather than develop fresh concepts, producers are content to crank out remake after remake. How many versions of Batman or The Hulk do we really need?
In an odd response to the criticism, filmmakers are casting leading roles with non-traditional actors. However, they’re taking the “non-traditional actor” approach to a whole different level. Exactly what level that is, we’re not quite sure, but if this first wave of films is any indication, to quote Jeff Goldblum in everyone’s favorite remake, The Fly: “Be afraid. Be very afraid.”
Why be scurred? The first two unlikely thespians are none other than former president Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin!
Assuming Vladimir gets cleared of any pending war crimes charges, and The Donald isn’t jailed for, well, take your pick of offenses, these are the big screen productions you might just see the duo starring in.
Dumb and Dumber
One of the most beloved comedies of all time, this remake actually makes us sad. In the original, rooting for Harry (Jeff Daniels) and Lloyd (Jim Carrey) to triumph over their own mental limitations was, pardon the pun, a no-brainer. But to root for Trump and Putin in those respective roles just feels wrong. Still, the moped scene and “the most annoying sound in the world” sequence should still be hilarious, even if they include subtitles.
Casting still isn’t set in stone, or so we hear. We’re not sure which scene we’d rather see… Donald Trump sitting in a prison cell, singing “Roxanne,” or Vladimir Putin interrogating the beer-and-a-shot crowd at the Redneck bar, Torchy’s. Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte are still very much alive, and they’re already rolling over in their graves.
With Trump playing Patrick Swayze’s role and Putin stepping into Demi Moore’s shoes, there will be no shortage of memorable moments. But if it’s chills and goosebumps you crave, the clay molding “pot throwing” scene will definitely deliver. But those two aside, Zach Galifianakis as Oda Mae Brown, formerly played Whoopi Goldberg…that will be fire!
Maybe a little too on-the-nose, with Trump playing hard-nosed Chicago detective Art Ridzik (previously played by Jim Belushi) and Putin playing Moscow police badass Captain Ivan Danko (previously played by The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger), but at least Putin won’t have to mitigate his accent.
We initially thought this was a bizarre undertaking, with Putin playing Christoph Waltz’s former role of Dr. King Schultz, and Trump playing Jamie Foxx’s titular character, Django, but the more we thought about it, and remembered Trump repeatedly blathering about his popularity among African-Americans, we thought it could be interesting, to say the least. No word on whether Quentin Tarantino will be back in the director’s chair.
Trump is stepping into Mel’s former role as the borderline psychotic but loveable Martin Riggs, and Putin will be assuming Danny Glover’s Roger Murtaugh. Rumor has it Vlad has been taking intensive English language classes and studying police procedure to sound more believable in the role—when he’s not ordering attacks on Ukraine, that is. As for Trump, that sequence when his character is being brutalized with repeated electrical shocks… We’d like to see that scene extended—maybe a full hour or so, without a stunt double!
The Shawshank Redemption
Considering both men have a legit chance of going to prison in the near future, remaking this film would be a perfect example of art imitating life. Personally, we’d like to see Vlad in Morgan Freeman’s role, because those voiceovers in a Russian accent are bound to be a hoot. Plus, we don’t think Trump can pronounce “Dufresne” properly, no matter how many rehearsals he has.
If Donald and Vlad are really serious about becoming true thespians, this film based on Nicholas Spark’s novel is going to seriously test their acting chops. No word yet on who’s playing whom, but it’s our sincerest hope they screen test for both roles. If we get a hold of the audition tapes, rest assured we’ll put ‘em out there!
Bonnie and Clyde
In the movie and in real life, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were blown away by the police. A novel idea would be to start the film with this scene, and then just roll credits.
This remake of the Reese Witherspoon/Matthew Broderick black comedy about the sabotaging of a high school student government election will rekindle your faith in humanity. It doesn’t matter who plays which role—we just want to see Trump and Putin duke it out over ballot tampering, even if it is scripted.
Cover Photo: JIM WATSON / Contributor (Getty Images)
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