Months later, the “slap heard ‘round the world” is still making noise. You would have thought the controversy would be over and done by now. Well, you’d have thought wrong. And there’s one group of people who are really listening—movie producers.
In an effort to cash in on the mano-a-mano hoopla, producers are combing through Hollywood’s vast catalog of films, looking for movies they can remake with Will Smith and Chris Rock in the starring roles. Those on the verge of being greenlit include…
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
In an effort to kill two birds with one stone, or in this case, address two issues with one production — the lack of diversity in film, and the visibility of LGBTQ+ couples — screenwriters are busy reworking the script. Will Smith will be playing Cate Blanchett’s role of Daisy, and Chris Rock will take over Brad Pritt’s titular role.
Friday the 13th
Because Black men typically die first in horror movies, producers have taken a bold new approach to this remake of the classic horror franchise-starter. Camp Crystal Lake is now a summer camp for clones — all played by Chris Rock — and the hockey-masked, edged weapon-wielding psychopath Jason Vorhees will be played by everyone’s favorite slapper.
White Men Can’t Jump
This sports dramedy remake has been seriously revamped — no Caucasian characters will be included in the new film whatsoever. And with Zoe Kravitz stepping into the role previously played by Rosie Perez, the only element of the prior production guaranteed to make the final cut is the use of the word “quince.”
The (Not So) Nice Guys
Wholly reimagined, this action/comedy buddy flick will replace Ryan Gosling’s down-on-his-luck private eye with Chris Rock, and Will Smith will step into the overbearing hired gun role previously played by Russell Crowe. No word yet on how the plot will differentiate, but we’re told the ending will be an actual fight to the death, filmed in real time, with no special effects. How the Screen Actors Guild signed off on that is anyone’s guess, but we’re certifying it fresh even if Rotten Tomatoes doesn’t!
Alex Garland is a visionary writer/director, but this remake could very well be his undoing. Chris Rock will be taking the reins of computer programmer Caleb Smith, previously played by Domhnall Gleeson, and Will Smith will be getting’ “autonomous with it” in Alicia Vikander’s old role of Ava, the humanoid AI.
Director Christopher Nolan has stated on multiple occasions that if he ever got the chance to remake Interstellar, he’d make numerous changes. Well, it seems he’s going to get his wish, only with Will Smith playing the dashing, Earth-saving astronaut Joseph Cooper (formerly played by Matthew McConaughey) and Chris Rock playing his child, Murph (formerly played by Jessica Chastain). Hopefully, they’ll both get Lost In Space and we won’t have to hear about the slap anymore!
What started as a brutish assault at the Oscars could very well turn into double Oscar gold when all is said and done. Will Smith will be playing Sam Cahill, a vet with PTSD who was believed to have been killed in action. Chris Rock will be playing Sam’s brother, Tommy Cahill, formerly played by Jake Gyllenhaal. Both roles have more layers than an onion and tremendous heart, and could easily lead to an Academy Awards reunion with a hug at night’s end instead of an assault.
Cover Photo: Neilson Barnard / Staff (Getty Images)
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