The Donald Trump Sportsmanship Guide to Playing Golf Like a True Sport
Photo: Patrick McMullan (Getty Images)
Jack Nicklaus once said, “Golf is a game of respect and sportsmanship; we have to respect its traditions and its rules.” We all know that Donald Trump loves golf. But, for some reason, we just don’t feel like he likely carries on the values of the “Golden Bear” in his golf game.
If there’s one thing Donald Trump enjoys more than retweeting misinformation and blaming Democrats for everything, it’s golf. There’s something about walking (or more likely driving in a golf cart) the course at his Florida golf resort Mar-A-Lago that seems to calm and soothe him. It must be his favorite sport because he seems to be playing it more than he’s actually sitting in in the Oval Office.
Since we’re all about echoing Nicklaus in his pursuit of a gentlemanly style of golf, we decided to make a handy guide explaining what we can only assume is Trump’s idea of sportsmanship.
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Yell loudly during back swings.
If there’s one way to rally on your fellow golfers, it’s to yell loudly when they’re in the middle of teeing off. Sure, they might not like it now as their ball ends up on another fairway or in the middle of a pond. But, later on when they’ve had a chance to calm down, they’ll appreciate your support.
Don't dress appropriately.
Head out onto the course wearing what makes you comfortable. Don’t want to wear cleats? A simple pair of flip-flops is completely fine. It’s all about what makes you happy.
Make sure you're always on Twitter when on the when when not teeing off.
How else are you going to tweet and retweet absolute nonsense if you leave your cell phone in the club house? Make sure that right after you tee off, you immediately take a long look at Twitter while you’re standing in the way of all of your fellow golfers.
Too many strokes? Just pick up your ball.
So, your putting isn’t up to par (literally). Just pick up your ball and mark it down as one under par. That’s fair, right? Why waste all day trying to put your ball into a tiny hole.
Don't wait for other golfers.
If you’ve already managed to birdie your hole (even if you really got a triple bogey) there’s really no reason to stand around and wait for the rest of your party to finish putting. Stroll (or drive) on to the next hole and tee off.
Run over other golfer's balls.
This statement might seem a little uncomfortable. But, we mean that since you’re already driving around recklessly in a golf cart, you might as well seek out your opponent’s golf balls and run them over so it’s impossible to hit them.
Always refuse to shake hands with fellow golfers who disagree with you.
Instead of shaking hands with your fellow golfers, ignore them and refuse to even make eye contact if they disagree with literally anything with you. This includes petty reasons like if they don’t like their burger cooked the way you do.
After you're done, throw your golf back wherever you want.
Once you complete all 18 holes, it’s time for a beer. Be sure to not only bring your golf bag into the club house but throw it down wherever you like. Someone with a minimum wage job will pick it up and put it in the appropriate place.
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