5 Fun, Safe Alternatives To Hazing

Photo: eyecrave (Getty Images)

When we were kids, there truly was a meaning to surviving high school. If you played sports, “initiation” into the realms of adolescent acceptance could be especially brutal, torturous sometimes really. (Have you seen Dazed And Confused?!) We now know this kind of treatment as hazing.

Fortunately, most hazing rituals have been banned from campuses across the country. There’s usually a zero tolerance policy for any form of physical aggression or public humiliation. However, there’s a new one that sprang up this month that made headlines from coast to coast, a little something called an “Oreo Run.”

In short, some kids on a northern Illinois high school football team were caught forcing teammates to run the length of the field with an Oreo crammed between their buttocks. According to Fox 32 Chicago, ten football players were suspended for three games following the “Oreo Run,” losing the Illinois Class 3 state championship game in the process.

The Rockford Register Star reports that the Byron High School players were suspended for indecent exposure but that school administrators concluded they went on the “Oreo Run” at the school’s football field voluntarily and were not victims of hazing.

So even the school claims the cookie run to end all cookie runs was voluntary?  If that’s the case, the “Oreo run” is hilarious. Unfortunately, there is a little something called coercion, especially when you’re 14-years-old and desperate for acceptance. As mild as it may seem on the surface, the “Oreo run” is a form of hazing.

But this “Oreo run” got us thinking. What would be an acceptable replacement for hazing? There have to be some interesting, enjoyable ways to have your protégés prove themselves worthy, right?

Photo: Rubberball/Mike Kemp (Getty Images)

Here are five fun, safe ways to torture your rookies.

The iconic hazing film: The Greatest Quotes From Your Favorite ‘Dazed and Confused’ Characters

1. The Silent Treatment

Some firefighter friends of ours say they do this to rookies for 24 hours straight on their first shift, followed by 23 hours the next shift, etc. It’s a fun way to challenge the fresh meat and see how well they can take a well-organized joke.

2. Scream “Cheesy Rat!” In The Middle Of Costco

When we were kids, in order to join the “Cheesy Rat Club,” we had to walk into the middle of the most crowded area in town and scream “Cheesy Rat!” That’s it. We were in. Whatever the name of your club, frat or organization, have newbies scream it from the top of their lungs and put it on social media. Harmless laughs.

3. Song On Repeat

Make them listen to “The Chipmunk Song” from Christmas With The Chipmunks on repeat for several hours while driving down Main Street with the windows down. Even if it’s summer. And then give them a hula hoop.

Special education: High School Student Brazenly Gives Presentation On Porn Star

4. N/A Beer

Yup. This is the opposite of binge drinking. Make your fresh meat drink non-alcoholic beer at every party or group function in the foreseeable future.

5. Volunteer

You mean, actually, make them do something for the better good? The horror!

Bonus points for hanging out in nursing homes.

And from now on, just dunk your Oreos in milk instead of someone’s shorts.

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Josh Helmuth is a sports reporter in St. Louis who contributes to Mandatory.