The Mandatory Michelle Obama Guide For When It’s Safe to Discuss Your Sex Life
For any former first lady, one of the top-secret files that might forever remain sealed is the one marked “Sex Life.” But that won’t stop people from trying. After appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live to promote her new Netflix series Waffles + Mochi, Michelle Obama was tossed a rather personal question:
“The night that SEAL Team Six took out Osama Bin Laden at your husband’s order, did you and your husband make love that night to celebrate?” Kimmel asked.
Believe it or not, this isn’t the first time Kimmel has wondered this thought aloud. But as in previous attempts, Obama pleaded the fifth before expertly turning the tables on her host.
“No one else — no one, in the history of all of the conversations I’ve had — has ever drilled down on this particular point like you, Jimmy Kimmel,” she said, narrowing her gaze. “You’re still that little boy in your bedroom, under the cover with the flashlight, going, ‘I hope nobody sees me.'”
It was a superb burn against one of late night’s more promiscuous hosts. But Kimmel’s line of questioning isn’t as far out as the former first lady would have us believe.
While the Obamas remain mum (for now) on the comings and goings of their pillow parades, the sex lives of former first families are not exactly well-kept secrets. The dalliances of everyone from Thomas Jefferson to Nancy Reagan are pretty well-documented. Though typically the revelations come not from the couples themselves but from the well-informed rumor mill (or a stolen diary).
In the case of the Obamas, whose eight years as the first couple went without scandal, a more innocent dynamic is at play here. For a duo whose relationship appears free of impropriety what’s the big deal in divulging some details of life between the sheets?
We assume that if a president does something awesome, like legalize weed or pass healthcare for all, it’s going to lead to some pretty frisky behavior at the end of the day. What’s the harm in getting confirmation that signing a peace accord between warring nations is pretty impressive foreplay?
Sure, Kimmel often obsesses over strange (borderline inappropriate) details about his guests, but in this case, his curiosity is just a reflection of America’s. Although we have a sneaking suspicion that when it comes to her personal life – sure, she could tell us – but then she’d have to kill us. (Worth it.)
On the other hand, safe and healing dialogue about interpersonal relationships (of all kinds) seems right up the former first lady’s alley. With healing dialogue in mind, here are ten moments when it’s totally safe for a public figure to discuss their sex life.
Cover Photo: Paras Griffin (Getty Images)
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After You're Done Being President
The road to the White House is rife with scandal (made up or otherwise). Getting hoisted on your own sex-petard is not strategic (nor safe).
In a Secret Underground Bunker
Using your friendly neighborhood bunker will free you up to unload all your dirty secrets with impunity. Shout out your most salacious turn-ons and favorite sex positions at the wall, it feels great.
After Beyonce Does Her Tell-All Oprah Interview
Shoot, well if Beyonce does it...
When Kids Start Maturing Insanely Fast
Maintaining a family-friendly image is important when you're a well-respected member of society. But eventually, (at the pace things are going) kids will be acting like a bunch of Florida spring breakers by the age of three. When that happens, it'll be open season on public pillow talk.
Anonymously on Twitter
Because Twitter has never ever come back to bite anyone on the ass, ever.
In the Safety of a Group of Misfits
When the mood feels so right you just have to pour your heart out to a bunch of strangers, you'll know what to do.
After the Whole Country Simultaneously Gets Down to 'Sexual Healing'
World peace, people.
When You're Old and Grey
Listen, by that point no one's gonna want to imagine you engaging in any kind of human-type sex behavior - so whatever you have to say about it, they'll just tune you out. People are so ageist.
After the Republican Party Disbands
Finally, we can all loosen up and talk straight about the stuff that every single person on planet earth does (except married people).
While we've made some excellent points heretofore, never is as good a time as any. And that's probably where our favorite first lady will leave it.
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