The Mandatory Gentleman’s Guide to Being a Better Drunk in 2021 (Starting With Your Boozebreath and Drunk Texting)
The new year is a time for resolutions, for self-improvement promises made with the best of intentions. But we all know how resolutions turn out. They’re either disregarded, forgotten, or imperfectly implemented. So rather than tell you how to sober up in 2021, we’re going to help you be a better drunk. Because, let’s be honest, you aren’t going to stop drinking any time soon, and as long as you’re still a functioning adult (not to be confused with a functioning alcoholic), why should you? Take these tips to heart (and liver) and discover a whole new dimension to drinking in the new year.
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Don’t Drink Alone
Drinking alone is sad – and potentially indicative of an addiction. Make your swilling social instead. (While abiding by social distancing and masking up, of course.) Infuse some adventure into your drinking by trying new pubs, inviting someone you’d like to get to know – personally or professionally – for a pint, pairing drinking with other activities (like yoga), and talking to the people behind your favorite booze. Use alcohol to build a community, not isolate yourself for a pity party.
No More Drunk Texting
In the same way you wouldn’t get behind the wheel (we hope) while wasted, you have no business being near your phone while boozing it up. Vow to prevent another embarrassing round of drunk texting (or as we’d like to coin it, “dexting”) by putting your phone “to bed” (i.e. on silent, in its charging station, face-down, preferably in another room) before you pop a bottle.
Sip, Don’t Chug
When it comes to being a better drunk, less is more. Rather than pounding a six-pack of beer and crushing the cans with your bare hands, try pouring it into a glass and sipping it like a fine wine. In between mugs of brewski, drink non-alcoholic beverages and nibble on some apps to keep yourself from getting plastered.
Stop Before You Black Out
If you can’t remember what happened the night before or whose bed you’ve woken up in, you’re drinking way too much. The goal when you drink is to kick back and loosen up a bit, not complete obliteration. Recruit a friend to help remind you when you’ve hit your limit. (Pro tip: it’s way sooner than you think.)
Swish as Much as You Swig
Your booze breath is offensive. Even more so than the fact that you’re sipping on a flask in between conference calls at work. Have the decency to at least cover up your shameful deed by rinsing regularly with mouthwash. And, no, broke-ass boozehound; we don’t mean swallow it!
Analyze If Happy Hour Really Makes You Happy
Are you drinking because it truly brings you joy? Or are you doing so because it’s become a habit? Before you drink, ask yourself if alcohol is what you really want – or is it something else? Do you just like unwinding at the end of the day? Commiserating with your coworkers? Treating yourself? Is there a way to achieve that same goal without leaning on alcohol so much?
Become a Connoisseur
Rather than just drinking whatever has the highest alcohol content, invest some time in actually learning how to appreciate the nuances of alcohol. Tour a brewery or go to a wine-tasting (when it’s safe to do so, of course) or read up on the history of your drink of choice. Don’t just drink to get drunk. Stoke your curiosity about why you like alcohol so damn much.
Yup, that’s it. That’s all. That’s the key. We aren’t just saying that to be a buzzkill, either. Sometimes, if we indulge in something on the regular, it becomes banal, and therefore, no longer fun. By easing up on how much alcohol you glug down, you just might appreciate it more – and that’s the whole point of pouring a drink, isn’t it?
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