The Mandatory Guide to Getting Responsibly Blotto Drunk This St. Patty’s Day
Getting drunk has never been more important. Because getting properly blotto on St. Patty’s Day (we’re talking mistaking-a-raccoon-for-a-leprechaun-and-chasing-it-into-the-bushes drunk) is our superpower. And while the coronavirus has been our kryptonite for way too long, this year it’s time to fight back the only way we know how: hammered out of our gourd.
But with great power comes great responsibility. Getting blisteringly drunk during a pandemic comes with a few house rules. St. Patty’s Day may officially be here, but with parades being canceled left and right, there are only so many ways we can flex our greatest muscle.
How can we have the good time we so desperately need while still being able to look at ourselves in the mirror the next day? (For being safe and socially conscientious not for drunk dialing our ex while puking in the shoe closet.)
Well, friend, you must have the luck of the Irish today because you’ve just stumbled upon the Mandatory Guide to Getting Responsibly Blotto On St. Patty’s Day 2021. The only safety guide backed by both the Society of Soused Seamen and Moms Against Drinking Alone. These safety standards have been rigorously tested by our team of town drunks so that you could have the hangover you deserve on March 18.
But no need to thank us. Just get out there (as far away from others as possible) and drink responsibly ’til you can’t feel your legs. Happy St. Patty’s Day!
Cover Photo: Deagreez (Getty Images)
Foreplay optional: Fauci Says 2 Vaccinated People Can Safely ‘Gather’
1. Be Aware of the Risks
These are still strange and unsettling days. Know the risks. Weigh your options. Party accordingly.
2. Wear a Mask That Doubles as a Beer Hat
In the event that you can't find one (they're really hard to find) go for a brown paper bag. These easy-to-locate masks are a trade secret as they conveniently double as a barf bag.
3. Take as Many Shots as You Can
Shots kill germs. Try to take one every 10 minutes and you should be totally safe.
(*Not backed by science.)
4. Don't Share Drinks With Strangers
We don't care how cute they look when your eyes begin to cross, they don't need to see what your drink tastes like. Everyone already knows what Heineken is.
5. Don't Try to Repair Anything
Any form of "helping out" or "pitching in" around your or any other person's house is strictly off-limits. This includes operating heavy machineries such as motorized lawnmowers, chainsaws, mobile homes, or electric scooters you may come across in your St. Patty's Day travels.
6. If You Have to Drunkenly Yell at Strangers, Do it From a Distance
A boundary of at least one city block is recommended at all times. This will also prevent any fistfights you're thinking of starting.
7. If You Have to Start a Fistfight...
...continue to maintain a social distance of no less than six leprechauns.
8. Only Kiss a Stranger if You Know Them
And they live with you and/or they've tested positive for antibodies and/or they've received both doses of the Covid vaccine at least 10 days prior to tonguing.
(*Not to be mistaken for medical advice).
9. If You Absolutely Must Engage a Stranger, Keep Heavy Petting One Couch Length Apart
It's still better than the loneliness you've been shackled to for the last 372 days.
10. Eat a Bowl of Very Green Spinach For Breakfast
So that when you inevitably projectile vomit onto your cat at the end of the night, she can't accuse you of not being festive.
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