The Mandatory Premature Ejaculator’s Guide to Holding Out During Sex (If You Ever Get to Have It Again)
Being a premature ejaculator is a very common problem. It affects one in ten men (or so they say). The average man supposedly lasts around five and a half minutes…sometimes less. Now is sometimes. For those of us who entered quarantine as single men, it’s been lonely. We’ve been able to swipe right or left on dating apps and then chat with potential mates, but for the most part, we have remained untouched; however, masters of our domain we are not. The prospect of ever getting to have real sex again is borderline overwhelming.
If your formative years were any indication, premature ejaculation is often a psychological issue; right now, you probably already have performance anxiety thinking about it. If you ever get to have sex again, the stress, anxiety, and depression evoked by your time alone or the woman you end up with might just be so lovely that fate demands you make a fool of yourself; becoming a two-pump chump. We feel you (not literally). The following amalgamation of thoughts, subtle actions, and sometimes lies should help you to hold out during sex long enough or at least walk away from it dignified. Obviously, we’re not doctors and promise to only use the term “clitoral stimulation” once.
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As previously mentioned, in a way, sex is psychological warfare; think about anything besides what you are doing to distract from the epicness of your current situation. Mundane or repulsive thoughts are good: your grandma gardening, laundry, fingernail clipping, long division, or mowing the lawn (which also sets a good rhythm).
Mean mug the dog (of course you have a dog).
That lovable mutt is always there at the edge of the bed. Stare them dead in the eyes as they wonder what you're doing to their new mother. Not only is this also a good distraction but it's a situation that needs to be dealt with—go chase your own tail, Watson, this is daddy's private time.
Slow things down.
You don’t need to thrust like a jackrabbit; slow things down and give yourself time. Play just the tip for a bit or maybe tenderly work the G-spot. Slow and steady wins the race, fast and frivolous is bad for business.
Switch things up even when it's uncalled for.
Hit her with the old “it slipped out and I can’t get it back in.” Then switch positions or talk about the weather. Again, buying yourself time is key when you can’t handle your business (but not too much time that your lose your manhood).
The customer is always right.
Don’t be like DJ Khaled; get down there. Use your mouth, fingers, maybe even a toy. If your main concern is looking like a fool (and let’s be honest, it is; premature ejaculation is still fun for you), then clitoral stimulation should be the focus. Focusing on her not only gives you time to calm down but it’s going to make her happy and isn’t that the whole point?
Practice building your threshold.
Practice building control or masturbate before you do the deed (you’ve probably been doing this for months). There’s this thing called “edging,” where you get right to the moment of climax, peering over the edge of the cliff, and then you turn around before delaying your orgasm. Train your brain and body for game day. You can also do things like work out the muscles of your pelvic floor or stop yourself mid-pee stream. There are plenty of exercises you can do but rather than go into detail here, we implore you to Google them.
Make the most of those subtle and intense moments. How many erogenous zones are there? Way more than you think. Seven according to Monica from Friends. Foreplay is often the best part of sexual encounters (really). Good foreplay makes things more pleasurable and increases overall duration. People think about how they met someone and what they did to rev you up more than how long you lasted. And if that’s not true, well, if you were solid in the first half, you probably won’t get benched next week.
Yes, sports analogies are always appropriate because it is a competition.
Use thick condoms.
Yeah, condoms don’t feel the greatest but safe sex is good (according to everyone ever). Plus, the dulled sensitivity will aid you in "Operation: Get It Together Man."
Open up about the potential situation.
Talk to your partner. It may relax you enough to keep the ship from sinking (so to speak).
You: Hey, um. I’m a premature ejaculator.
Her: Oh, well that’s OK.
(It’s probably not...)
Consult an expert when you've tried everything else.
Go to the doctor if it keeps happening. Premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction could be the result of something overtly medical and not just physiological. Never give up or limit any one aspect of your sex life (within reason).
Or just embrace the inevitable.
The sin of all sins: nut silently, embrace it, and pretend like it didn’t happen. Then, when you go soft, resort to one of two excuses:
1. “Sorry, I started thinking about the coronavirus pandemic and our plummeting economy.”
2. “I’m sorry. I’m just used to it being...different.” Then leave.
Warning: If you chose No. 2, there’s no going back.
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