The Mandatory Premature Ejaculator’s Guide to Holding Out During Sex (If You Ever Get to Have It Again)

Being a premature ejaculator is a very common problem. It affects one in ten men (or so they say). The average man supposedly lasts around five and a half minutes…sometimes less. Now is sometimes. For those of us who entered quarantine as single men, it’s been lonely. We’ve been able to swipe right or left on dating apps and then chat with potential mates, but for the most part, we have remained untouched; however, masters of our domain we are not. The prospect of ever getting to have real sex again is borderline overwhelming.

If your formative years were any indication, premature ejaculation is often a psychological issue; right now, you probably already have performance anxiety thinking about it. If you ever get to have sex again, the stress, anxiety, and depression evoked by your time alone or the woman you end up with might just be so lovely that fate demands you make a fool of yourself; becoming a two-pump chump. We feel you (not literally). The following amalgamation of thoughts, subtle actions, and sometimes lies should help you to hold out during sex long enough or at least walk away from it dignified. Obviously, we’re not doctors and promise to only use the term “clitoral stimulation” once.

Photo: nd3000 (Getty Images)

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