Christmas Tree Alternatives For People Who Can’t Have Them (And Scrooges Who Hate the Mess and Happiness)
Nothing screams Christmas louder than a dead tree you’ve snagged from a Target parking lot, tied to the roof of your car, and dragged into your living room to be smothered with lights and tinsel. But for those of us who merely want to whisper Christmas or shun it all together in gloomy silence, what are our options? Ideally, if you’re asked to host this year, you can make a statement with a non-traditional take on the typical tree. Letting your family know once and for all that you’re still completely devoid of cheer, joy, and holiday spirit (but not a sense of humor). Do the holidays your way, with one of these outstanding Christmas tree alternatives.
Photo: Jekaterina Nikitina (Getty Images)
Jolly Saint flicks: Christmas Movies That’ll Make Any Scrooge Weep
A Blow-Up Doll
Dad will love it. Grandma will be speechless. And the children can hang ornaments from the limbs. (Clothing optional).
A Dying Cactus
Bonus points if the cactus just falls into your house, leaving a gaping view of the stars as fresh snowflakes begin to fall and melt into your sofa.
A Giant Sub
Whether you feed the entire party or feast upon the trio of deli meats all by yourself, you'll be glad you put your money where your mouth is.
A Meth Head in Green Spandex
If a 6-foot Christmas tree is too pricey for your wallet, try a 6-foot meth head instead. For half the price of a Douglas fir, you can bring more thrills into your home than a boring old tree ever could. When was the last time your Christmas tree slapped your sister and tried to rob you at knifepoint?
A Pile of Poo
For those of you really wanting to send a message this year, try gathering a few hundred pounds of locally sourced dung and shaping it into a memorable Christmas pyramid of shit.
A Stuffed Dog
Whoever said stuffing a dead dog and decorating him with ornaments and a star hat was creepy?
A Coat Rack
All of the stature. None of the effort. Just haul that baby across the room and throw a green skirt on it.
When people ask where to put the gifts, simply point to the corner where your inner child went to die 10 years ago.
A Venus Fly Trap
Christmas morning just got a little more exciting thanks to your carnivorous tree. As your nieces and nephews struggle to survive opening presents without being eaten alive, give yourself a pat on the back. You've just given them the gift of grit.
A Friend of a Friend Humping a Yoga Ball
People always need a little extra spending money around the holidays. Consider reallocating your Christmas tree fund this year by enjoying a nice, warm mug of cocoa as a distant friend pelvic thrusts Christmas cheer all over your closest friends and family.