Honest Timeline: When Your Girlfriend Goes Out of Town
There’s a life-altering event that will come for every attached man. It’s when your girlfriend goes out of town. While at first, your solo spree might feel like a free-for-all and be an excuse to eat, drink, and do whatever you want, things can take a sobering (and somber) turn quickly. Before you get yourself in too deep during your temporary singledom, prepare yourself for the road ahead with our honest timeline.
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Friday 5 PM
Go wild. Run around in your skivvies. Eat popcorn and jump on the bed at the same time. The living space is so much bigger without her (and her negative psychic energy) here!
Friday 6 PM
Masturbate. Multiple times. No shame. You’re a grown man and you can do whatever you want to your manhood. Bring on the lotion and the tube socks.
Friday 7 PM
Pee with the door open. Leave the seat up. Splatter all you want on the floor. This is your lair and you will mark your territory!
Friday 8 PM
Invite the guys over. Put your favorite jersey on and paint your face with your team’s colors. Watch sports on high volume. Eat all the bad snacks covered in nacho cheese. Drip on the carpet. Don’t even care.
Friday 9 PM
Get stupid drunk.
Friday 11 PM
Download and swipe through Tinder. Toy with the idea of cheating. You’re super lubricated now thanks to the booze and feel like any of these women are totally in your league. Swipe right through a couple dozen women and get no matches. Delete the app.
Saturday 4 AM
Stay up super late doing nothing at all. Fall asleep in your Lazy Boy with the TV still on just before the sun begins to rise. Plan to sleep in until at least noon.
Saturday 1 PM
Your girlfriend hates Taco Bell, so you order everything on the menu, all in the name of "brunch" to heal your hangover.
Saturday 2 PM
Invite your bros over for some Super Mario 3, but get turned down because they’re all too hungover. Play by yourself all afternoon. You are determined to get to the end of the game, no matter how long it takes…and it takes a long-ass time.
Saturday 5 PM
Call your dealer. Lucky you, he has a BOGO deal going on. Finally, you can have a puff or two (or 100) without her complaining about a contact high.
Saturday 7 PM
Order pizza. Make that several pizzas. You want variety, dammit, and you’ll eat the leftovers for breakfast tomorrow. Do not use napkins. Do not blot the grease off the cheese. Now that your girlfriend is gone, you can eat pizza like it’s meant to be eaten.
Saturday 8 PM
Survey the damage. You have a tower of pizza boxes and a mountain of dirty socks. The dishes are threatening to topple out of the sink. There are tumbleweeds of dog hair rolling by. You don’t want to live in a hovel, but you’re just too tired to pick up.
Saturday 9 PM
Whoops. The dog got into the leftover pizza and you forgot to take him for his walk. He is none too pleased, and he’s showing it by dropping loads all over the hardwood, then dragging his butt across the floor. You were going to leave it for your girlfriend to clean up, but it’s really starting to stink in here.
Saturday 11 PM
Fuck, this living alone thing is awful. You’d forgotten what loneliness feels like. Start to despair. Watch Stand By Me, The Shawshank Redemption, and Saving Private Ryan back to back to kill the time. Weep uncontrollably. Text your girlfriend “When are you coming back?!” Receive no reply.
Sunday 5 AM
Comfort eat yourself to sleep. Out with the savory, greasy foods; in with the ice cream. Once the sugar hits your system, you’ll be out cold.
Sunday 4 PM
You cannot live like this. It’s too sad. So when you wake up, you kick into high gear and eliminate any evidence that you were a pathetic slob this weekend. Start prepping dinner. Pick up flowers.
Sunday 7 PM
Welcome her home like everything’s cool. Though you want to beg her to never, ever leave you again, you don’t want to scare her off, either. Act casual, as if all you did was go about your usual, boring life, even if the weekend was anything but.