12 Painfully Honest Signs You Might Be the Asshole in Your Relationship
No one said relationships were going to be all sunshine and rainbows (or blowjobs and sandwiches). They’re hard work and sometimes things go awry. Hopefully, you can find yourself back to one another (and to bed) after a bump in the road, but if you feel like you’re stuck in a tsunami of hell every time you’re with your girlfriend, it might be time to look inward and check if you’re part of the problem. These 12 telltale signs will clue you in to the fact that you might be the asshole in your relationship.
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Honest Timeline: When Your Girlfriend Goes Out of Town
You never use the phone…as a phone.
If you only text, it might be because you’re a multi-tasker who expresses himself better through the written word. Or you might have forgotten how to have actual conversations with human beings. The fact is, there are certain interactions that are more efficient via phone call. If you don’t know what those instances are, if you never answer when she calls, or if your voicemail box is chronically full, guess what? You’re an asshole. Answer the goddamn phone.
You spend more time looking at your screen than at her face.
Technology is the third wheel of your relationship and you need to kick it to the curb. There’s plenty of time to browse YouTube when you’re on the toilet. When you’re in the presence of greatness (i.e. your girlfriend), put the fucking phone away.
You're always under the influence of something.
If you can’t function without a mind-altering beverage or substance – surprise! – you’re less than fully present and no fun to be around. She deserves better.
You insult her.
Insults are ugly. You may think that teasing her or pointing out her flaws is the adult equivalent of pulling a girl’s hair, but it wasn’t cute then and it isn’t cute now. A good man lifts his woman up, never drags her down.
You only want to get down, but never go out.
Sex with you is awesome, surely, but even the best sex machine needs a break from time to time. Take her out once in a while. See the world beyond your bed. Socialize. Experiencing new things together will provide conversation fodder and fresh energy for your next roll in the hay.
You never pay on dates.
Chivalry is not dead. Unless you want to be known as a loafer, a mooch, a cheapskate, a gold digger, or any other number of unflattering slang terms, pony up and pay that bill from time to time.
You assume you're non-monogamous but have never confirmed it with her.
Dude. If you’re sleeping with other people, she needs to know. You know what they say about the word “assume” (you, me, asses). Grow a pair and have "the talk."
You're best friends with your ex.
We’re sure she’s a great person and that there’s nothing going on (yeah, right), but keeping your old flame lit while trying to stoke the fire at home is impractical, if not impossible. Accept that you only have enough time, attention, and libido for one woman, and that woman should be your current girlfriend, not your former one.
You’ve stopped making an effort.
You used to shower, shave, manscape, and use product in your hair before you’d even consider being seen by your girlfriend. Now you barely bother to wipe. Come on, man. Pick yourself up, dust (make that power wash) yourself off, and make an effort. Imagine if she stopped primping and suddenly you were dating a bag lady. Shudder, right?
You never say 'I love you.'
She might know you love her (though chances are she doesn't), but it's always nice to hear it (again and again) from your own two lips. No relationship ever died from too many "I love you"s.
You never say 'I'm sorry.'
Shit happens in a relationship. Some of that shit is your fault. (Shocker!) Own it. Apologize. And move on. (Hopefully to make-up sex.)
You come first.
Ladies come first. You know this by now, right? If you’re constantly getting off before she does, you’re being selfish and don't deserve to have sex with another person. Satisfy your woman first, and preferably more than once. It’s the American way.