12 Incredibly Petty Reasons To Break Up With Your Partner (That We Fully Support)
Photo: Henrik Sorensen (Getty Images)
Breaking up isn’t easy to do. Unless your partner happens is an absolute wackadoo, then it’s actually pretty great.
If the words “break up with her” constantly flash on your internal monitor, or if you’ve thought about giving your man a little nudge down the basement steps, then it’s time to heed the little voice in your head and hit the eject button before someone gets really hurt.
Here is our list of 12 perfectly “acceptable,” totally legitimate, highly Seinfeldian petty reasons to hit alt+tab+delete on that relationship and open a new window with someone else. Life is short, but it’ll be shorter if you stick with someone who fails to refill the water pitcher every fricking time.
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The Sheer Pain of Their Laugh
Is it like a bucket of metallic forks being shoved in your ear? Break up now before all comedy is ruined for life.
Never A Refilled Pitcher
We all have our faults, but come on. You forgave them when they cheated. You even turned a blind eye when they drained your bank account to go shopping at Target. But this? This cannot stand.
With summer coming up and flip-flops back in style, you just know those little monsters will be out in full-force. Save yourself the emotional turmoil and tell that goblin to take a hike (politely, of course). Just lie and say you cheated [studio laughter].
OK, so they have a doctor's note and everything. Apparently it runs in the family and the allergic reaction is pretty severe. That doesn't mean you have to live like a goddamn rabbit.
Inviting You Places You Don't Want To Be
The occasional weekend away we can handle, but if we get invited into one more group text thread full of her friends that we can't get out of because some asshole (her) has an Android, it's time to "leave the conversation" for good.
Favorite Movie Is 'Mamma Mia.'
So Mamma Mia is your favorite, but you've never seen Ghostbusters once? This relationship is a sham. Let me guess, runner-up is Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit. Get the fuck out, we all know the original is better.
Next-Level Morning Breath
You can't face her direction when you sleep and now your colon is full on the right side with nothing but gluten-free bullshit and it feels like you're having an appendicitis. Or maybe your body is just manifesting its hate for this person.
No Chocolate For Me, Thanks
They say you can't break up with someone on their birthday. Um, yes you can. Don't spend another second around somebody who passes on the dark lord of bitter cocoa.
Always Cold, Always Starving
At first, it was kind of cute and fun, like a polar bear plunge. But it's been six months, and you have frostbite in your own home and there's nobody there to cheer you on. Time to heat up with someone who isn't so cold-blooded.
Wrong Way Toilet Paper Roll
It should roll towards you. Life is hard enough when the toilet paper is set up right. Come on!
Too Much Teeth
You told them once. You told them twice. And you know the old saying. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...goddammit how dare you, I just told you!
Emotions are the top-shelf spirit of life. Don't let her cry-face ruin your cocktail. Plus, dealing with life's tragedies is hard enough without having to look at what appears to be a toddler in adult's clothing.
And the noise that comes with it takes us back to the top of this list.
Remember, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Cast a wide net, friends.