10 Obvious (And Amusing) Traits of the Functioning Alcoholic
We all have a friend (sometimes we’re the friend) whose relationship with alcohol is at a place beyond the pints. And though we sometimes worry about our alcoholic friend’s well-being, their boozy lifestyle is so high-functioning and put together, they make us look like underachievers. So while we’re busy getting our sober shit together before planning an ill-fated intervention, our alcoholic bestie is busy living a woefully wonderful existence, filled with charm, whimsy, and fifths of Jameson. Don’t worry, it’s just temporary (hopefully) and hey, we’ve all been there (um…our 20s). Here’s a toast to the functioning alcoholic in us all.
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Alcoholics usually buy the first round of drinks (using funds from recycled cans).
We can always count on our booze-loving friend to get the ball rolling with an offer to buy the first round of drinks. And if it's been a particularly good week at the recycling center, the second and third round, too.
Alcoholics wear the same outfit three days in a row, but still look presentable.
His outfit always looks like he slept in it. But crumpled as it may be, he still looks sharp as he falls backward over that thorny hedgerow. How does he do it?
Alcoholics are cartoonishly upbeat.
The thing about a high-functioning alcoholic is they keep their dark moments to themselves. They've learned to ride the high-tide of the buzz, and are quick to liquor up before the tide goes out again. It's a mark of their commitment, knack for timing, and alcohol-related self-sufficiency.
Alcoholics admit when they're drunk.
Alcoholics never beat around the bush when they are truly wasted. But because they've acclimated to a blood alcohol content of 2 percent, they are technically never really drunk.
Alcoholics are always down to dance.
The first guy to cut the rug is usually your alcoholic bestie, though he may choose inopportune moments to do so. Like in line at the DMV, in the elevator at the hospital, or seated in a booth at Denny's. Still, we love his preparedness.
Alcoholics know a lot about history.
What is it with drunk people knowing so much about history?
Alcoholics drive while drinking Coors Light, claiming that Coors Light is basically water.
The first time we got into the car and noticed him swigging a cold one between stop signs, we felt a surge of alarm. But now we realize it's the exact same as us sipping an iced tea from McDonald's.
Alcoholics are self-reliant.
One impressive attribute of the functioning alcoholic is their total self-reliance. Somehow they manage to get around, no matter what state they are in. It doesn't always look pretty, but they tend to come through when you need them.
Alcoholics always get backup.
Like a boxer with an iron chin, dipsomaniacs somehow always regain their feet. It doesn't matter how many times they hit the floor, it's as if a helium balloon in their head lifts them back up. When our knees have grown weak and buckle from the six whiskeys, 12 beers, nine jello-shots, and three glasses of wine we had with dinner, the champ is still standing.
Alcoholics are inspirationally grateful.
Their passion for hooch, mead, ale, greased lightning, and all things fermented and distilled is like a light that never goes out. It makes our wishy-washy existence seem like a gray scale postcard next to their tropical sunset. We are secretly envious of how well they keep their dangerous passion afloat.
That is, until we witness the nonchalant projectile puking, in which our friend has unloaded a fire hose of boozy bile between a row of parked cars without even breaking stride. That's when envy turns into full-blown respect.