Honest Timeline: A Highly Accurate First Edible Experience
The thing about edibles is that they work differently for everyone. This brilliant tidbit of information could change your life if you know it prior to consuming THC-laced food. Unfortunately, when it comes to consuming edibles, most people learn the hard way, which might mean you end up crying on the floor in your friend’s bathroom because you can’t feel your arms. Statistically, your first foray into blasting off probably will not go as planned…because it never does. Here’s our highly accurate timeline of your first edible experience so you know what to expect.
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10 Minutes After Eating The Edible
Your friend, the genius who talked you into doing this, is pretty much your guide for this experience. They tell you to chill out and wait for it. You think this means piling your snacks high on the coffee table. They laugh. You laugh. You both laugh for different reasons, but you don't realize this yet.
30 Minutes After Eating The Edible
So this is getting high. Lame. You ask your friend how much longer and they shrug and say they don't know. Your weed Sherpa doesn't seem to know shit. You ask if you should eat more and they sit up and say an emphatic "No." You shrug, lean back on the sofa and consider eating something to pass the time.
40 Minutes After Eating The Edible
You still feel nothing. You bring it up to your friend but they keep telling you to wait it out. When they go to the bathroom, you decide they have no idea what they're doing and eat some more of the edible. You laugh to yourself. No one will prevent you from getting high as hell.
55 Minutes After Eating The Edible
You're doing something, but you can't remember what. You stand up and sit down three times. Are you hungry? Do you have to go to the bathroom? Bathroom is a funny word. Oh. My. God. You're finally high.
1 Hour and 10 Minutes After Eating The Edible
You're a human onomatopoeia. If a person could be the word "pew," it'd be you. Your heart's racing. You might be dying. Why is time moving very, very, very slowly? Is it because your blood is on fire? You remember the second dose. You're afraid.
1 Hour and 25 Minutes After Eating The Edible
You feel so weird. Almost like you're not inside your own skin. You kind of want it to stop but don't even know what that means. In fact, you can't tell if you're asleep or awake except for all the junk food wrappers strewn about. Did you really eat that many Twinkies? Christ, you have never been this full, but also when did you eat all that food? You check your watch and realize you're not wearing one and honestly have no idea how long any of this has been going on. Rust Cohle from True Detective was right: time is a flat circle and as far as you know, your time is up.
1 Hour 40 Minutes After Eating The Edible
It hits. The second dose hits and all you can do is lie down and pray that you will not barf.
1 Hour 55 Minutes After Eating The Edible
You come to and your friend is offering you water. You cannot believe how amazing they are. You tell them you love them. Several times. They hand you a blanket and put on soothing sounds. You want to thank them, but you can't. You're about to sleep the sleep of the dead, only to wake up and want to do it all over again.