Porn Scrub: Spring Cleaning the Filth From Your Digital Life
Photo: Fabrice Lerouge (Getty Images)
You’ve probably been applying the KonMarie Method on things like your clothes and books, but there’s probably something you’ve forgotten during your spring cleaning. That’s right. Your smartphone holds the filthiest thoughts, texts, photos, and videos you’ve ever looked at, let alone saved. Instead of having a panic attack every time your girlfriend gets near your phone, do yourself a favor and clean that mofo.
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You Should Be Freaked Out
What about the photos you've sent to women? Yeah, the women who aren't your girlfriend who are saved under names like "Timmy With The Gimpy Leg." If your girlfriend's a detective, she'll scroll through those chats to discover both of your worst nightmares. Even if these sexts happened before she came around, you'll be screwed.
What's Actually In Your Phone?
Have you gone through your old texts, photos, and videos lately? Hell, have you wiped your search history? Just look in there for a second and if anything pops up that you're embarrassed about, imagine how bad the stuff you can't find and don't remember saving is.
There's Those Photos, Too
Damn. When was the last time you cleaned this thing? Aren't you glad you started going through old chats and wiping them? This is literally why DropBox exists, so if you need all this debased shit, save it there.
Don't Forget About Your Instagram DMs
Any modern woman who is suspicious about your activities will start with your texts and then move to your Instagram DMs. And you can't change BustyGirl69's screen name to something like DarrylTheTinMan98. So delete those conversations, too.
Don't Forget To Delete Hook-Up Apps
If you're sanitizing your phone of the nudes and filth that you enjoy on the daily, you might as well delete Tinder and other apps like it because if you're scrolling through your phone and the chick you're dating sees them, she'll flip. And your phone will end up like this.
Sometimes There's Just Too Much Filth
If this is the case, systematically going through and wiping it will never be enough. So you know what to do.
Once That's Done, Actually Clean Your Phone
Look. Once you wipe your phone of the materials that could get you busted by your girlfriend, actually clean it. You use your phone to watch porn and while on the toilet. So you should wipe it down with disinfectant wipes because you're a grown man and not a damn troll.
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When was the last time you wiped your phone of all the filth that’s overloading it? Will you be clearing your folders of nudes from girlfriend’s past? Let us know in the comments!